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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

Click here for the August 2008 Miss Wendy Column.

Pamela Anderson
© Janet Mayer / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I saw this photo of Pamela Anderson entering the Ed Sullivan theatre for The Late Show with David Letterman taping on July 30, 2008 and just had to laugh. If a picture is worth a thousand words, this photo tells the world in one quick snap just why Pamela has consistently been invited to party through life. Dave must have been so pleased. So here's to Pam: You got it going girl!

Lindsay Lohan

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There has been an official announcement out of LaLa Land: Lindsay Lohan has gone gay!!! According to MSNBC.com, this breathtaking announcement was made by none other than Los Angeles Police Chief William Bratton (who should know about these things, I suppose) when he was commenting about how the Police Department does not need new laws to be able to control the paparazzi.

See this quote: "“If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody anymore, thank God, and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don’t seem to have much of an issue,” Bratton told KNBC-TV."

LA-LA! LA-LA! LA-LA!

.
Paris Hilton
© PRN / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: It has been a little over a year since Miss Hilton spent 21 days in jail (June 2007) for violating probation on a DUI charge. And after spending the last year watching other young Hollywood starlets like Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan and Chloe Kardashian spinning the Los Angeles jail's revolving door, it is time to wonder just what was THAT all about?

Well, it was all about nothing. The citizens of Los Angeles don't like to pay to jail their muggers, much less naughty celebutantes, so the sheriff is forced to release all non-violent offenders so he can have the room to jail a few serial killers. (And yes, drunk drivers really SHOULD spend some time in jail but if the LA drunks did their time in jail, it would raise LA taxes.) But Miss Hilton got caught up in a bad-luck-harmonic-convergence when she ended up in front a judge (Judge Michael T. Sauer) who is obviously just as much of a publicity hound as Miss Hilton. So the nation was treated to a month long OJ Bronco Ride, supplied by two La La Land Look-At-Mes. And a good time was had by all, except of course Miss Hilton who had the bad luck to draw the short straw judge and actually had to go to jail.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a witty-ditty from across the pond, Superdrugs has launched the "Taxi Man" Make-Up Collection for Men in London. The line includes “Manscara” and “Guy-Liner” ("for men with chunkier fingers”). And yup, that guy is putting on makeup while he drives down the wrong side of the street (not to mention steering from the wrong side of the car). But hey, that driver is in London and with the value of the dollar, you can't afford to go there anyway.


Angelina Jolie 2006 Good Shepherd Premiere Photo Credit Evens Lamour	Brad Pitt 2006 Good Shepherd Premiere Photo Credit Evens Lamour

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is a very funny article on MSNBC.com about how Angelina Jolie would like to give birth to yet more children and she [Angelina] is also quoted as saying that another set of twins would be fine.

Check out this quote: "Hollywood-based clinical psychologist Dr. Michelle Golland, who doesn’t treat Jolie says that a family of this size [the Jolie/Pitts presently have six children] is not normally what women desire. “There is not one mother that I know that would trade places with Angelina Jolie even if it meant they got to sleep with Brad Pitt,” Golland says."

Well, I wouldn't risk testing that hypothesis with a survey.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: According to the Daily News, Lindsay Lohan was hit by a bicycle while she was walking in Manhattan early this morning (7/27/08). She is supposedly fine and a lot of carping is taking place on websites like TMZ.com about how she should have looked twice before crossing the street. Well, these carping writers have obviously never had to walk on the sidewalks and cross walks of New York City and had to dodge the kamikaze bikers who run through red lights, clip around corners, ride on the sidewalk and terrorize the walking populace. And the cops don't do anything about it.

We always hear outraged stories in the newspapers when a car hits a bicycle (and that is truly awful) but nothing about the all-out-war pedestrians are forced to engage in everyday on the streets of Manhattan where it is open hunting season for crazed bicyclers.

But on the other hand, there are now laws in many states outlawing texting while driving. Perhaps in New York, we should have public service announcements telling pedestrians that they are in a bicycle war zone and need to quit texting and LOOK UP when they walk. And that means you, Miss Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan and her Blackberry
Photo Credit Janet Mayers/PR Photos

Tyra Banks Wax Figure
© Janet Mayer / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Madame Trussaud's Wax Museum just launched a wax figure of Tyra Banks. I don't know who pissed her off, but it wasn't me. So if you are responsible, please cut that sh*t out before she really gets mad.

George Clinton
© Tony Lowe / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I just saw this photo of musician George Clinton (Pfunk Sound) and couldn't stop smiling (Clinton was celebrating his birthday at Zune in Las Vegas). In Terrence McNally's play, Master Class, McNally had Maria Callas advise her music students to "get a look". Clinton is one musician who definitely took the advice. And Happy Birthday to you, George!

P. S. I wonder if George would consider renting himself out to escort middle aged divorcees to their family reunions. It is never to late to get even with your now-grown children.

Amy Winehouse with her parents, Janis and Mitchell Winehouse
© Solarpix / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: From across the pond comes this photograph of a healthy and beautuful-looking Amy Winehouse posing with her parents. Oh very well, it is the WAX figure of Amy Winehouse which was unveiled at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in London on July 23, 2008.

But I can hope can't I? After all, I am still not over Van Gogh cutting off his ear.

The Golden Girls
Clockwise from top: Beatrice Arthur,
Rue McClanahan, Estelle Getty, and Betty White

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Estelle Getty, the octogenarian actress who played Beatrice Arthur's mother Sophia on The Golden Girls, has died. Ms. Getty was one funny woman; she was the perfect "straight woman" for Bea Arthur.

Rest in peace to a very talented lady who proved to the world that just cuz you get old it doesn't mean you have to get sweet.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Their is an utterly hysterical article (with photos) on MSNBC.com about a spa in Virginia that offers a communal fish pedicure. There seems to be a special breed of fish that both likes hot water and likes to feed on dead skin.

See this quote: The communal pool also presented its own problem: At times the fish would flock to the feet of an individual with a surplus of dead skin, leaving others with a dearth of fish. "It would sometimes be embarrassing for them but it was also really hilarious," Ho [the spa owner] said.

Now, don't I tell you about all the good stuff?

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am coming to New York for a vacation in August and I would love to visit a drag queen cabaret like the one in the movie, The Birdcage. There isn't anything like that in Tyler, Texas, just a few gay guys dressing up for Halloween who never get their make up right - false eyelases are always half off and their boobs keep slipping to the side. Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Tyler Too

Dear Too,

Try Lucky Chang's on 24 First Avenue between 1st and 2nd Street; it is a total riot. You might also want to try watching another wonderful drag queen movie, Torch Song Triology starring the incredible Harvey Fierstein. Try Netflix.com.

Dina Lohan and Michael Lohan
Sephora 10th Anniversary Party Celebrating "Ten Years of Gorgeous"
Angel Orensanz Foundation, 172 Norfolk Street / New York City, NY, USA
July 17, 2008
© Wild1 / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy: I am announcing a new Miss Wendy Award - the Hey Look At Me Award. And the first award goes to Ms. Dina Lohan, seen above walking the red carpet with her not-presently-in-show-business-but-stay-tuned son, Michael. Dina is also mother to show biz babes Lindsay and Alli who may have a before-not-known stepsister by their blowhard (and obviously unfaithful) father, also named Michael Lohan.

Now I ask you, does Dina look like a typical Long Island Mom? Okay, Okay..... you don't have to answer.

The next Hey Look At Me Award will be presented to Ms. Kathy Hilton who looks a bit more mature, but isn't really.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is a silly brouhaha in South Carolina. Someone from the tourism bureau OK'd an ad aimed at gay tourists that proclaimed, "South Carolina is so gay." Then the good old Republican white boy bureaucrats of South Carolina found out about it and were outraged and refused to pay for the ad because (see MSNBC.com), "The reason they shouldn't get paid is that a PRT [Parks, Recreation and Tourism Department] employee OK'd it when they shouldn't have." (Let's see how that argument flies in small claims court - "We don't have to pay our bill becuase the tourism official who signed the contract may have been gay or at the very least, he/she was gay friendly.").

Here again we have an example of officials not engaging their brains before they open their mouths. First, by refusing to pay for the ad and incurring the resulting bad publicity, South Carolina has guaranteed itself an influx of incensed gay activists who will rightfully take the state of South Carolina to task for being a haven for homophobes. And it is bad for business. Just who do they think is interested in touring ante bellum mansions if not gay men and (of course) middle-aged women! Well, duh!

If the state officials in South Carolina have no internal radar reading of how offensive their refusing to pay for the ad appears to both gays and other fair minded people, they should try to substitute the word black for gay and see if that helps them have an "Ah Ha' moment. Oh well, maybe not.

Miss Sarah Grant at the Osborne
Photographed by Mary Blanco

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Now for a tidbit of high brow culture. Right across the street from Carnegie Hall is one of New York City's landmark buildings - The Osborne. The Osborne is a coop apartment building and not open to the public, but if you can talk one of the doormen into letting you see the lobby, you will have seen one of the most beautiful spaces in New York City. The place has housed many famous residents, including Bobby Short, Leonard Bernstein and legendary Vanity Fair editor, Leo Lerman.

See my Osborne-based article, The Journals of Leo Lerman Book Launch Party, and also see this article about the Osborne in the New York Times.

If you believe in God, The Osborne is real estate heaven and you should not go through life without knowing it exists.

Photo Credit Angelo Rivera

From Miss Wendy to her readers: In my continuing goal to spotlight both the high and low culture of New York City, I present Amateur Female Jello Wrestling. Perhaps jello wrestling would make a good segment for The Real Housewives of New York City. And no, they shouldn't just have the Housewives watch the wrestling, those gals would be great in the tub.

Tomorrow, I will write about Carnegie Hall.

Sir Michael Caine
Gruman's Chinese Theater/Hollywood, Ca.
Hand and Footptin Ceremony
July 11,1008

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is something about this photo of Michael Caine cheerfully getting ready to have his hands and feet printed in cement (not a very dignified under taking for a Sir) that just makes me smile. If it does not have the same effect on you, well here it is anyway.

Caine plays Alfred Pennyworth in the new Batman film, The Dark Knight, which opens Friday, July 18, 2008.


Angelina Jolie 2006 Good Shepherd Premiere Photo Credit Evens Lamour	Brad Pitt 2006 Good Shepherd Premiere Photo Credit Evens Lamour

From Miss Wendy to her readers: It was an eventful weekend. Brangelina's twins were born, a boy and a girl named Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. Congratulations! Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) now have a bumper crop of six children under the age of seven. And if any of you readers have (or have had) even one child under the age of seven with the resulting knowledge of just how much time it takes to raise that one child, you are probably thinking just what I am thinking right now. Whoa!!!!

Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez
2006 Puerto Rican Day Parade
Photo Credit Mary Blanco

In a related story, according to MSNBC.com, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony can't seem to keep nannies. They are presently looking after their twins themselves after their second nanny quit. Hmm. I certainly hope Brangelina can do a better job of "keeping help" for their SIX children.

But back to Marc Anthony and Jennifer Loez: Marc Anthony left his wife (former Miss Universe Dayonara Torres with whom he had two small children) for the glitz and glamour of Jennifer Lopez as in "Daddy Got a Better Deal." Now that Anthony and JLO are forced to get up all night long with two small babies (you feed an infant at 2AM, put it back to bed and it wakes up again at 2:30 - and that is just what happens with one baby), I wonder how much Marc Anthony is enjoying his new "more glamorous" lifestlye.

And speaking of Miss Universe: Miss Venezuela (Dayana Mendoza) was crowned Miss Universe in a contest in which for the second-time-in-a-row, Miss USA (Crystle Steward) tripped on the runway. Miss Steward, who is from Texas by the way, promptly got up and continued down the runway. Way to go girl! The winner, Miss Venezuela, is a former kidnap victim. (Click here for a quick rundown on just how dangerous it is to live in or travel to Venezuela - http://travel.state.gov/travel and or read my review of the film, Secuestro Express) Many congratulations to Miss Venezuela for both being named Miss Universe and for surviving her kidnapping.

Also of note, the Miss Universe contest was held in Vietnam this year. Wouldn’t it be both odd and wonderful if thirty years from now the Miss Universe contest was held in Iraq? Or for that matter, wouldn't it be wonderful if a few years from now, it was safe to hold the contest in Venezuela? Quick note, Venezuela is only fifteen miles (over open sea) from Aruba, a common vacation destination for New Yorkers. Although the violence in Venezuela has not spread to Aruba, it is something to note if you like to take moonlight walks on the beach. (Perhaps you should ask to borrow a Uzzi from the concierge at your hotel.)

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a hot tip for adventurous souls who want to see a different New York - attend one of the Raza or Alma Brazilian dance parties (see our clubs listing section for times, etc). They are an absolute riot; everyone dances: young, old, fat, thin, black, white, gay, straight. You simply won't believe that you are in New York. And isn't that why you came to New York in the first place - so you could be constantly to a different world?

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I would like to extend a "You Got it Going Girl Award" to Miss Tempest Storm, an eighty-year-old Las Vegas stripper who is still stripping but taking it off "slowly." See this article on MSNBC.com for all the prurient details.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Two days ago some poor man named John wrote to ask your opinion of his cross-dressing fetish and you dismissed him as just some country frump. I was highly offended. Elegant men have been wearing gowns since the beginning of time - just look at Henry the Eight and Alexander the Great!

Sincerely,

Seething Under my Skirt

Dear Seething,

Fashion Designer Zang Toi
Photo Credit Wendy R. Williams

Okay! Okay! Men can be elegantly be-skirted. Why look at my friend, fashion designer Zang Toi! Darling Zang is always elegantly be-kilted, whether flying around his 57th Street Atelier or flying around Lake Austin on a bike for Lance Armstrong's Race for the Cure. Of course, we here at New York Cool can't help but wonder just what Zang wears underneath his kilt when it's too hot for stylish tights. Does Zang need to ber concerned about random gusts of wind?

Jessica Simpson
© Janet Mayer / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to our readers: There is some heartwarming news on MSNBC.com. It seems that even though Jessica Simspon was deeply upset when Pamela Anderson called her a “bitch and a whore”, “Her folks told her not to make a big deal of it — as that would only get Pamela the press she’s so desperate for.”

I told you it was heart warming.

John with his Lady Friend, Brooke
(John is on the Right)

Dear Miss Wendy,

Last Halloween, my lady-friend Brooke and I came into the city from our country home to attend the Halloween parade. Needing a costume, I made a quick trip to Goodwill beforehand and purchased a simple frock which I accessorized with a few items borrowed from lady-friend's closet (she never noticed).

Although my frock may have paled in comparison to some of the more outré outfits in the parade, I do feel that my humble efforts added to the festivities.

Since my first foray into cross dressing, I find that I have been increasingly attracted to ladies’ clothing. I like wearing a skirt while I do my housework; I can save on air conditioning because air can circulate underneath the skirt. I also love the way a skirt feels when I stand on my backyard deck hollering for the dogs. There is just something about the way the wind feels as the polyester billows across the hair on my legs.

So Miss Wendy, my question to you is (in the immortal words of songwriter Toni Gonzaga (Catch Me I'm Falling For You), "How could something that feels so right, be so wrong?”

Sincerely,

Outhouse John

Dear Out-in-the-house-John,

We here at New York Cool have always supported the Gay, Lesbian and Trans Gendered Community and even support cross dressers (like yourself) even thought we know they are a fairly boring subset of society since so many of you are otherwise straight men.

But very few cross dressers (straight or gay) have the courage to portray real women, choosing instead to go for the glitz and glamour that most self respecting women reject after the age of fifty.

So here's to you, John. Many kudos for representing a truly unrepresented minority - frumpy middle aged women.

Madonna with her daughter Lourdes Leone
Wild1 / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Miss Wendy took a small vacation to Los Angeles (leaving reruns of her past columns to amuse you) and while she was gone, all hell broke loose.

Madonna was supposedly carrying-on with Arod (Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez) either at (1) the New York City Kaballah Center (2) a Yankee's game (her version of the story) or (3) at her apartment where he was supposedly whisked up the service entrance at the back of the building and so the paparazzi has no proof of said "visitation." Arod's wife, Cynthia Rodriguez, was so distraught that she fled to France, accompanied by some supposedly "chaperoning" friends to stay at Lenny Kravitz's home. Guy Ritchie (Madonna's husband as of now) flew to New York and was photographed entering and leaving Madonna's apartment AND taking the entire family to the Kaballah Center. Madonna denies that she is getting a divorce (see MSNBC.com) and also says she is not doing Arod. Cynthia Rodriguez says something along the lines of "Oh yes she is and I am filing for a divorce because of it." Cynthia Rodriguez also pooh poohs the notion that there is anything going on with her and Lenny Kravitz and states that Kravitz was simply acting as a friend in her time of need and that is the reason she flew all the way to France to see him. (She has no friends in New York???)

Miss Wendy simply cannot go on vacation anymore unless everyone promises to behave while she is gone.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Miss Wendy is out of town for the Fourth of July Holiday (Happy Fourth and All That). To tide you over until she returns, she is publishing a rerun of her first column for April 2004:

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a young man who recently graduated from college and moved to New York. I met a really nice girl at work but whenever we go out, she insists on bringing along her best girlfriend from college. They are both very nice but I really like the first girl and would like some time alone with her.

Sincerely,

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

There are three possible explanations:

She thinks of you as a friend and is bringing another girl along to keep things light.
She thinks of the other girl as a "friend" and is bringing you along as her beard.
This is New York and this maybe just be the beginning of one of those new trendy threesomes . If this is the case, be sure to write back with the details.

Dear Miss Wendy,

There is so much nudity today. What does the new etiquette say about that?

Sincerely,

The Coppertone Baby

Dear Baby,

Nudity is still proper in certain circumstances - your babyhood being the best example. Gym locker rooms are also appropriate but please don't stand around drying your hair in the nude - you know who you are so STOP IT! As for dancing in front of your windows in buff, your neighbors became consenting adults when they bought their telescopes. And certain things between the sheets still required nudity but would everyone in New York please start putting on a robe before they open the door for the Chinese restaurant delivery person. My delivery man is so used to being flashed by all the hot and cold running perverts in the city, he seems perplexed to find me dressed.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I'm a gay man. Do I have to live in Chelsea and do I have to work out at a gym?

Sincerely,

Roscoe

Dear Roscie,

Yes and yes. I don't write rules, I just report them. There are some gay men who have a grandfathered right to live in the West Village but most of them look like grandfathers.

P. S. I hope you are waxing your back.

Dear Miss Wendy,

What do you think about gays getting married?

Sincerely,

Very Wang

Dear Very,

Well we are all going to need lots of wonderful new clothes and there is no point in planning a vacations any time soon. All possible disposable income will be needed to purchase fabulous gifts for all the Queer Eyed weddings this summer.

Dear Miss Wendy,

My boyfriend spends more time with his guy friends than he does with me. What should I suspect?

Sincerely,

Devastated on Clinton Street

Dear Devie,

That should be whom should I suspect dear.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am stunningly beautiful and cannot get a date.

Sincerely,

Madonna #2

Dear Maddie,

Miss Wendy has no solution for your problem. She can only sympathize, having the same problem herself.

Dear Miss Wendy,

My boyfriend is better looking than I am and everyone hits on him.

Sincerely,

Desperate in Yorkville

Dear Yorkie,

Please send a photo of your boyfriend and be kind enough to include his phone number.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Should I date a bartender?

Sincerely,

Barfly Baby

Dear Baby,

Yes from ages 21-25 and then no.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I saw this darling actor in a play and want to know how I can meet him.

Sincerely,

Adoring in Tribecca

Dear Becca,

Go to the bar where he work and buy a drink. But please see former letter regarding aging out of the bartending scene.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I moved to New York last year and can not find a nice boy. Help.

Sincerely,

Lovelorn on East Fiftieth Street

Dear Lovelorn,

The only people who want nice boys are pre-pubescent girls and middle aged gay men. Please clarify.

P. S. If you are a teenage girl, enroll in an out of town college, preferably Ole Miss. But remember - college is a vacation and you should never marry anyone you meet on vacation.
P. P. S. Why are you living on East Fiftieth Street? Is there anyone alive on East Fiftieth Street?

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a single woman in my early forties who lives on East Fiftieth Street and I would love to adopt a nice baby boy.

Sincerely,

Adelaide Eastchester

Dear Miss Eastchester,

You have the wrong column. If you want to know have to create a baby boy, write back but first move from East Fiftieth Street. I'm from Texas and I know how to hunt. If you want Gucci - the Houston Galleria, a duck or a man - a duck blind....etc. etc.

Dear Miss Wendy,

My gay lover of seven years has left me for a younger man, a book editor who wears Oliver Peoples sung glasses. He is now living with him and his Black Lab. I am devasted, what do I do?

Sincerely,

Griffin from Chelsea

Dear Griffie,

Oh poor dear. I wish I could help but I don't have enough information. Visit them, using any excuse - picking up your softball glove, borrowing a cummerbund to wear to your Log Cabin Republican meeting. While there, scan the book shelves, note the titles and especially whether he reads poetry. And take a photo of the dog and send it to me with you next letter. We will get to the bottom of this.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I visted them and they now have two Black Labs. Should I have photographed both?

Sincerely,

Griffin from Chelsea

Dear Griffie,

All hope is lost. Moving in with a man who has one dog is an act of stupidity, committing to two dogs demands true love.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I resent your inferring that I could belong to the Log Cabin Republicans. I may be alone but I'm not desperate.

Sincerely,

Griffin from Chelsea

Dear Griffie,

Well pardon me. I was just trying to be inclusive. And besides....at a time like this, you better be able to raise a big tent.

P.S. Griffin...sorry to be so snippy. Miss Wendy was a life time Democrat until she moved to New York and all the photographers at Democratic Fund Raisers kept insisting that she stand in the back row during the photo shoots - something about how pink polyester looks better from a distance.

Roc
Photo Credit Angelo Rivera