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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

March 12, 2010

Simon Cowell is engaged. Let's all yawn in unison.

March 11, 2010

Ruminations: We've fallen for it again. Lindsey Lohan has filed suit against Etrade claiming that their Super Bowl ad libeled her. The ad featured a "milkaholic" baby named Lindsey. And all magazines and talk shows are howling that this lawsuit is utterly ridiculous, and of course, it is.

But the true genius of this whole mishegas is that everyone is talking about Lindsey Lohan, which is something absolutely no one would be doing if she were not making a fool of herself in public with this silly law suit. Lindsey is a lady whose fifteen minutes were up with I Know Who Killed Me.

So a good time has been had by all and the party is over. Now Miss Lohan, it is time for you to fish your panties out of the punch bowl and go home.

P. S. E Trade is also getting an unexpected benefit - their commercial is running for free on all the daytime talk shows and the nightly news.

The Beat Goes On: Corey Haim has died unexpectedly and this is a loss for all who loved him.

But here again, the ridiculous God has raised his head. All the magazine are reporting the ominous fact that Haim had four prescription drugs in his home that were unrelated to his flu. Excuse me! Would all of the writers who are reporting the number of bottles in Haim's medicine cabinet, please go home and count how many prescription drugs they have in their medicine own cabinets. And unless they compulsively throw away all prescriptions after they no longer need them, they probably have about a dozen.

March 10, 2010

The Beat Goes On: The internet is all abuzz with stories about how Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's three year old Shiloh is dressing like a boy. "Is this good for the child? What about her gender identity?"

When I read these things I am constantly amazed at how many people have obviously never met a three year old. Three year old girls and boys wear what they want to wear or all hell breaks lose in the household. Shiloh obviously adores her older brothers and wants to wear their clothes; they are the cool kids in the household and she wants to do what they do.

My son insisted on wearing a tiger costume and a man's fedora for ONE YEAR. My friend's daughter became hysterical if you tired to make her wear a dress. My cousin insisted on wearing her dresses backwards.

But none of this lasts. Kids get fixated with one idea and then they are on to another. Shiloh may want to dress as a boy for the rest of her life, but that is extremely doubtful. She is undoubtedly wildly creative like her parents, and who knows what she will come up with next.

Many kudos to Angelina and Brad for having the wisdom to simply say, "So?"

March 9, 2010

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a married woman in her thirties and my husband and I socialize with a couple that is still dating. Our problem is not that they are still single and have not joined the drudgery of suburban married life, but they insist on PDA (public displays of affection). It is embarrassing to be with them when they can't keep their hands off each other - making out in restaurants, even once in front of MY MOTHER.

Do you have any suggestions to put out their fire?

Sincerely,

Red-faced in New Jersey

Dear Red,

I can only sympathize. If your friends are also in their thirties and still have no shame, no amount of hissing will be able to stop them once they start groping.

Airline attendants used to throw blankets over passengers who became too amorous, but even that is no longer an option (no blankets).

Here is a little story that may cheer you up:

I grew up in rural Texas and folks in rural Texas used to keep a bucket of water on the front porch in case they saw the preacher's car coming round the bend while the un-fixed dogs were going at it in the front yard. You can't realistically pour a bucket of water on your friends, but you can enjoy thinking about it.

March 8, 2010

Demi Moore
Bob Charlotte / PR Photos

Here is a You Got It Going Girl Award for Demi Moore. Moore looked utterly stunning at last night's 82nd Annual Academy Award Ceremony, wearing an Atelier Versace tiered blush gown. The forty-seven year old Mrs. Ashton Kutcher has definitely found the Fountain of Youth and I can only wish she would bottle and sell it.

March 7, 2010

Alan Cumming
Fashion For Relief™ -Haiti NYC
Photo Credit Cindy Ord

The Beat Goes On: Here is a You Got It Going Girl (Guy) Award for Mr. Alan Cumming who charmingly modeled the latest in kilts at the Mercedes Benz Fashion Week Fashion For Relief™ -Haiti NYC.

March 6, 2010

Monique
PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: The Oscars are tomorrow night and the buzz is a'buzzing. High on the twitter twee is Monique's chance to bring home the Best Supporting Actress statue for her spellbinding performance in Precious. But also atwittering away is comment about how MONIQUE DOES NOT SHAVE HER LEGS (a subject that is a lot more important than her silly belief in open marriage).

Compounding this hairy-legged assault on the popular culture's sensibilities is the fact that Monique only goes by Monique; the woman does not have a last name. So when someone says tactful things like, "Oh gross, Monique does not shave her legs," all the other Moniques feel like they have to pull up their skirts or trouser legs and demonstrate their acquaintance with razors, depilatories or the waxing parlor. It must be exhausting for the poor dears.

Miss Monique needs to be MoNeat.

March 5, 2010

The Beat Goes On: The internet is abuzz with the story of Sarah Palin's trip to Los Angeles (she was in town to be a guest on Jay Leno's Tonight Show). It seems that Palin and entourage have loaded up on goody bags at the Oscar gifting suite and that Bristol took advantage of a free make-over. So what? Everyone involved got loads of free publicity from this grabbing-the-goody-bag story, both the Oscars and the Palins.

But the real story is how long will it be before Palin realizes that in her heart and soul, she is an Angeleno - the epitome of LaLa in LaLaLand. Hey, you can say Palin is a free spirited conservative who cannot leave the land of crack and moose, but LA has been a welcoming home to myriad "characters" who would not at first glance seem destined for the City of the Angels such as cowboys Tom Mix and Wyatt Earp, radio evangelist Amy Semple McPherson and the eccentric conservative aviator Howard Hughes. LA is a politically liberal town that loves its conservative weirdoes the way clams love grains of sand.

March 4, 2010

Kate Gosselin Before New Hair-Do
Photo Credit PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Working-mother-of-eight Kate Gosselin made the cut: She will be on Dancing With the Stars. Now she really has an opportunity to get on her publicity hound ex-husband Jon's nerves - rub, rub, rub it in. As the Sicilians say: Revenge is a dish best served cold.

P. S. to both Jon Gosselin and the Octomon: There are two elements to being becoming a real celebrity - notoriety and talent. It's never too late to sign up for piano lessons.

March 3, 2010

Courtney Love
Shockwaves NME Awards 2010
Carling Brixton Academy / London, UK
February 24, 2010
Solarpix / PR Photos

Here is a Helena Bonham Carter Unmade Bed Fashion Award for Miss Courtney Love as she trots around London looking like Clara Bow dumped an Edwardian-era costume trunk on her head.

March 2, 2010

Dear Miss Wendy,

New York Governor David Patterson is embroiled in a nasty scandal - he allegedly asked two staffers to contact a woman (who had reported a domestic violence incident involving one of his aides) and ask her to recant (nydailynews.com). First Spitzer and now this: are we living in Illinois?

Sincerely,

Political Junkie

Dear Junkie,

Yes.

March 1, 2010

The Beat Goes On: It's Monday morning and the world is turning: Britney Spears is back to being blonde; the Charlie Sheen/Brooke Mueller and the Tiger Woods/Elin Nordegren marriages are still on the skids; Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt took part of their kids to Angelina's Venice film set (they can never take them all - four still need to be carried); the Oscar ceremony is March 7, 2010- and the world is atwitter about whether Steve Margin and Alec Baldwin will be funny - together; and if you are into this kind of thing, the new cast of Dancing With the Stars will be announced tonight during The Bachelor (scuttlebutt says it won't be the world's most annoying dancer, Paula Abdul).

The Gods are chasing each other around Heaven, all is right in the world and I am overcome by the sheer banality of our tabloided existence.

February 28, 2010 (I am going to be dating my posts from now on):

Please help alleviate the suffering caused by the horrific earthquakes in Haiti and Chile. Please log onto the Red Cross and do what you can. Every little bit can make a difference.

Agyness Deyn
ELLE Style Awards 2010
Grand Connought Rooms, Covent Garden / London, UK
February 22, 2010
ESolarpix / PR Photos

Here is another blast from across the pond: London events are style contests, unlike events in New York City where the mantra "less is more" still resonates. Now not everyone can wear this look, you need to be tall and slim. But if you can, you should.

Lady Gaga
The Brit Awards 2010 - Arrivals
Earls Court / London, UK
October 16, 2010
Solarpix / PR Photos

Here's another You Got It Going Girl Awards for Lady Gaga- Miss Modern Art on the Hoof!

The Beat Goes On (Redux): Tiger Woods apologized to the nation yesterday and he did a pretty good job. Most notably he stated that he had felt entitled to do the things he did because of his fame - a pretty big admission. He also apologized to his wife, Elin, and stated that at no time had she hit him (the story about the golf club).

The only beef the talking heads have with him is that he did not apologize to the "mistresses" (which would have given the tabloids some column and talk show fodder for at least another week). Hello! Are any of these women stating that they did not know Tiger was a married man or that he did not pick them up in a bar? Any woman who gets all dolled up and hits the clubs to "hook up" with a celebrity knows exactly what she is in for. There are no victims in that posse and reading about how porn star Jocylyn James thinks Tiger owes her an apology is laughable.

It goes the other way HOS. If you want to participate in the apology game, open your mouth and apologize.

The Beat Goes On: Today Tiger Woods is going to apologize to the nation. Why? Because he ran around on his wife (a lot) and it appears that the man is a sleaze. But the news media (including this column) could not be happier. There are stories to write and talk to talk before the deed: Will it do any good? Will Elin be by his side?. Then there will be the apology and afterwards nights of: "Was it enough?" Should WE forgive him?

Wake up world! The only reason he is apologizing to us is the man wants his career back. But he never really lost it. Tiger is now one of the most famous men in the world. Memories are short and there are a million products he can plug. So he may never again be the SUV guy, but he'll be the Jaguar guy.

And as for the bevy of undulating harlots that came rushing forward to grab their fifteen minutes of fame. Someone needs to write a book about just where they are two years from now. It will be an updated version of the Scarlet Letter told through the prism of our supposedly "anything goes" society. But we are also a "googlelized" society and these ladies resumes will follow them for the rest of their lives. Sure there is always porn and some forms of reality tv - The Flavor of Love and Celebrity Rehab - but those fringe opportunities are not be enough to support a platoon of former nightclub hostesses (they won't be able to get THAT job anymore because they TALK!). Sure Rachel Uchitel got a job on Extra, but she is the one who did not TALK.

Here are some fun tips for a Valentine's Day with a twist of lime:

1. Those heart shaped red Russell Stover candy boxes are so tacky they're campy. So give away.

Times Square
Photo Credit Melinda Maclean

2. Red lingerie is only fun when it is trashy, think Times Square Street, not La Perla.

Photo Credit Evan Sung

3. For more camp, make plans to attend a burlesque show. Burlesque shows are not the strip shows you see in so-called "Gentlemen's Clubs." They are in the spirit of the musical Gypsy, not the nightly strutting on the stage at Scores.

www.brooklyngirl.com/littlebrooklyn/links.html

www.newyorkcool.com/archives/December2004/abouttown_3.html

Sweet and Nasty Burlesque

The Beat Goes On: The National Enquirer is reporting that John Edwards has asked Rielle Hunter (the mother of his two year old daughter) to marry him and is puchasing a three million dollar home for his new family. I really hope this story is not true. Edwards is married to a woman who has terminal breast cancer and he has three children from this marriage who are bound to read about this.

Yuck.

As they say in the slaughter house, "Raise your feet pardner, the shit is starting to flow."

"O would some power the gift to give us to see ourselves as others see us." Robert Burns.

Here is a reprint from my February 2009 Column:

Dear Miss Wendy,

It is Fashion Week! Please tell us: Is there sex during fashion week?

Sincerely,

Longing Fashionista

Dear Long,

Absolutely not. Everyone involved in Fashion Week is entirely too hungry and bitchy to be interested in sex.

See this quote from my February 2007 Column about sex during Fashion Week: "Well there will be a lot of pretty little things walking down the runway (see-through blouses with no bras, thongs peeping through voile for both men and women) but realistically, there will be no sex. The female models have not eaten in about a month and if propositioned would probably say something like, “Not now sweetie, but why don’t you just talk dirty to me while I do this line?” The male models have had a little more to eat and might be a little more interested, but are still likely to say something like, “Oh that’s nice, but why don’t you just get up and act as my spotter while I lift these weights?” And the designers will brush away any amorous efforts with a, “For heavens sake, darlings! If you really want to be useful, get off your knees and make a Starbucks run! Someone is going to trip over you and break a heel!” You see, everyone at Fashion Week is an ascetic, asexual alien; things are different in their world."

Here is a reprint from my February 2008 column:

Dear Miss Wendy,

I live in New York and my fiancée and I want to get married this spring. We both work but our families don't have any money to contribute to our wedding so we have been delaying our marriage for a couple of years now. The average (low scale) New York wedding costs $25,000 and I hate the idea of starting our married life in debt when we need to save for a house and put aside some money so we can have children.

Sincerely,

June Bride

Dear June,

Spending $25,000 on a wedding in New York is a complete waste of money and a total no-win game. All the snobs who are into that "kind of thing" will be noticing all the things you did not do as in: "Only four courses?" "The desert was the wedding cake?"

Having a charming wedding is more about taste than money. One of the most delightful weddings I have seen lately was in the film In Her Shoes and the wedding was held in a funky Jamaican restaurant with a garden in the back. So feel free to use your imagination, not your money. There are scads of charming little restaurants with backyard gardens in the East Village and Brooklyn. Find one and create your own fantasy with white Christmas lights, votive candles and huge vases of white flowers from the Farmers Market. Or funk it up in purple (purple dress, purple flowers, Prince singing "Purple Rain", Tinky Winky as ring bearer/flower girl), I don't care. Just make it your day, not the caterers and the florists.

After all, you live in New York so the hardest part was finding someone to marry. The wedding should be the easy part.

God Bless Sarah Palin: Dear ex-Governor Palin has jumped into the politically correct hay wagon professing to be profoundly offended that Rahm Emanuel said a group of liberal Democrats were fucking retarded. Now Palin has a baby who has Downs Syndrome, but I sincerely doubt he is liberal or a Democrat.

Periodically we gang up on certain words and decide that they no longer deserve to be words. And as soon as we hear that someone is offended by a word, nice people decide to quit using it because, why not? Someone is offended so quit. The Special Olympics has declared retarded to be a bad word, so off with its verbal head. But whenever we make this collective decision, we do need a bit of time for a learning curve. After all, it is not like the word retarded started out as a description of the mentally disabled and then moved to other connotations; it went the other way. The word began with a meaning of "make slow or hinder" and moved to be a description of of the mentally disabled. All of this information is in the dictionary or a thesaurus if Ms. Palin had deigned to open one.

All of this supposed outrage (rumor has it that Palin uses the R word herself when referring to her son) is Palin's latest attempt to feed the media sharks. Why pay a publicist when you can get loads of free press simply by portraying yourself as a victim - AGAIN!

But in the spirit of "She who lives in a glass house, should not throw stones," Ms. Palin should consider the practicality of setting herself up as a spokesperson for politically correct dialogue or for that matter, any kind of correct dialogue. Every time darling Sarah opens her mouth, out comes a word salad that would take a UN quality translator to unravel (does anyone else speak Palinese?)

This over rush of political correctness is exhausting. Should be now also banish the words imbecilic and moronic from the English language? Yeah, probably; they are much more closely attached to mental disability than the word retarded.


Rihanna PR Photos	Lady Gaga PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Rihanna and Lady Gaga have done it again. These two twenty-something divas channeled the spirit of Cher and Elton John to rock last night's Grammy Awards. MoMA simply must open a Costume Institute. Why should the Metropolitan Museum of Art have all the fun?

The Beat Goes On: There is bad news from the teen pregnancy front - a 3% rise in pregnancies over the last year (Washington Post). And there are recriminations and knashing of teeth about whether or not the Bush era mandated "abstinence only" sex education is at fault. Now all right thinking people would agree that delaying sexual activity (especially activity that results in pregnancy or STD's) is good for teens and for society. Non-pregnant girls and non-child-support-paying boys have more time to concentrate on their school work and after school activities that will help them progress with their lives. But as all writers and comedians are taught - know your audience. If you are teaching sex education to a group of poverty stricken teens who have no upwardly bound role models and little to look forward to in their lives other than "that baby looks awfully cute," you have to have Plan B. Yes, tell them it is better to delay sexual activity, but if you are not going to do that, here is the phone number of a nice lady at Planned Parenthood and here is how to use the kind or birth control you can purchase at the drug store (or truck stop). So there.

Hell Hath no Fury: In a sign that there is hope for the future of traditional media, YaVaughnie Wilkins, the jilted mistress of Oracle exec Charles Phillips, resorted to an old fashioned Times Square billboard in an attempt to embarrass her former married lover (it probably worked). But, she did include a link to her website, so there.

Ms. Wilkins website seems to be down (as are the bill boards), but if you are curious, The Daily Mail has kindly published most of the contents.

Amy Winehouse attends a July 2009 Court Appearance
PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Once again at a court appearance January 20, 2009 in Milton Keynes Magistrates' Court in Buckinghamshire, England, darling Amy Winehouse has avoided jail time for drunken and disorderly conduct (see People.com). But the really bizarre element from this story is that Miss Winehouse had consumed five vodka and cokes when she became involved in an altercation over whether or not she could have a sixth. Vodka and coke? Miss Winehouse and her beloved beehive are circling the drain.

Lady GaGa
2010 International Consumer Electronics Show
"Monster and Beats" by Dr. Dre Announce
"Heart Beats by Lady GaGa" Headphones
Las Vegas, NV, USA
January 7, 2010
PRN / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Here is a You Got It Going Girl Award to Lady Gaga. Now Gaga is one gal who knows how to keep the excess in success and the show in show business.

Photo Courtesy of the American Red Cross

Appeal for Haiti: Please text the word Haiti to 90999 to give $10 to the American Red Cross. You can also log onto the Red Cross and give money online by credit card: american.redcross.org. Both methods, giving by text or credit card, delivers the money to the relief effort immediately. Please do what you can. If everyone who reads this appeal makes a donation, we can make a difference and help relieve their suffering.

Call to Arms: Please help the citizens of Haiti whose lives have been devastated by a massive earthquake. They are homeless, thirsty and hungry and the injured are in make shift hospitals with inadequate personnel and supplies. And they are the lucky ones; others are still trapped under buildings, including small children (kindergartens, nurseries and orphanages collapsed). Please can log onto the Red Cross and give money online: american.redcross.org

Please do what you can. If everyone who reads this appeal makes a donation, we can make a difference and help relieve their suffering.

The Beat Goes On: Sarah Palin has accepted a job as a political commentator for Fox News. Check out her utterly hilarious quote about her new gig: "“I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News,’’ Palin said in a statement posted yesterday on the Fox News website. “It’s wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news.’’

And in the spirit of "I told you so," here is an entry from my column back in July regarding her resignation: "Today Sarah Palin announced to an utterly speechless nation that she is resigning from her job as Governor of Alaska. Immediately all the political wags started to wag; what is she doing and why? Well the simplest explanation is that she got a better offer, perhaps a talk show on h'm......Fox And Palin has three school age children who need to be enrolled in schools this fall, so if she is going to move, she needs to do it in the summer.

The likely impetus for the resignation (and the possible Fox job) is that Palin was exposed to the glamour of the Republican world (the rich kid's playground) during the Presidential campaign and now she wants to see more. Alaska most have been a real let down after the rush of the campaign with its stays in four star hotels, trips to Neimans and Saks, make up artists, hair stylists and hot-and-cold-running-millionaires.

Being governor of Alaska pays $125,000 and Palin is a lady with five kids who now has a Saks habit. You do the math."

Ruminations on Senator Harry Reid: The talk shows are all atwitter about Senator Reid's remarks about the then Senator Obama's chances to be elected President. According to the about to be published book, John Heilemann and Mark Halperin's Game Change (see New York Times review), Reid said regarding Obama that: “the country was ready to embrace a black presidential candidate, especially one such as Obama — a 'light-skinned’ African American ‘with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one."

No one will ever have truly equal rights in this country until talking about who and what we are is not considered a dirty word. There is so much condescension and paternalism in all this criticism. There is an unspoken standard in America that the only correct way to be, look and talk is "white newscaster." And since all other forms of being are assumed to be inferior, any mention of such differences is considered to be rude and degrading. In the words of the Mary Mitchell in the Chicago Sun Times, "Reid's conversation about Obama was not racist. It was racial.Too often we confuse the two. When we do, we make it even more difficult for reasonable people to have a civil conversation about race. A racial comment is about race. A racist comment is a negative comment about race."

It is highly insulting to assume the the dialect and appearance of any group is so inferior to the dialect and appearance of white newscasters, that even mentioning the difference is reason for someone to resign from their job.

The Beat Goes On: People Magazine is reporting that Jon Goselin has a new girlfriend. Now if you go to any mall in America and take a look around, you can easily conclude that anyone can get married. And if you follow Jon Goselin's love life, you can also conclude that almost anyone can get a date.In the words of P. T. Barnum, "There's a sucker born every minute."

Bette Midler
The Saga of Baby Divine Book Signing
Caesars Palace in Las Vegas
January 6, 2010
PRN / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Here is one of Miss Wendy's "You Got It Going Girl Awards" for Miss Bette Midler who was recently in Las Vegas's Caesars Palace, plugging a children's book she wrote back in 1983, The Saga of Baby Divine.

The campiness of this bit is overwhelming - The Divine Miss M, a children's book, Caesar's Palace. So here's one for all you retro hip parents - click and buy.

The Beat Goes On: Elton John just announced that he has been helping Eminen fight his drug addiction. They say addiction makes for strange bedfellow and the same must go for recovery. But many kudos to Eminen for thinking "outside the box" and getting the job done.

The tabloids are also in a twitter over whether that was Elin Woods they saw skiing in Switzerland or her twin sister Josefina (you could only see a nose and mouth with all the ski gear). And was that a wedding ring on her hand (where were the ski gloves?) or not? The Tiger Woods scandal is fun for the entire family and the world is breathlessly waiting for the latest development.

And that fun-loving couple Charlie Sheen and his embattled wife, Brooke Mueller, have petitioned the court to remove the restraining order so they can move back in together. The courts said no. Hmm! Well, even if they are not living together, this story should have a shelf life of few more weeks.

Happy New Year!

Here is wish for a happy and prosperous (it's about time) 2010!

Miss Wendy's gratitude list for 2009!

1. Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan give thanks to the many politicians and other celebrities who graciously dropped trou in 2009 and kicked Young Hollywood off the front page of the Enquirer (or maybe not).

2. Former Presidential candidate John Edwards gives thanks to Nevada Senator John Ensign for supplying the media with a sordid affair/scandal that supplanted the story of Edward's affair and "possible" love child.

2. Senator Ensign graciously thanks South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford for making an ass of himself with his silly emoting about his passion for his "soul mate" and "trying to fall back in love" with the mother of his four children.

3. Governor Mark Sanford gives thanks to Tiger Woods for burning his billion dollar endorsement business on a pyre of bimbos, putting Sanford's "hound dogging" in perspective.

4. Tiger Woods gives thanks to Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller for getting drunk and calling the cops on Christmas Day (while their nine month old twins slept in the next room), kicking Tiger's scandal off the front pages.

5. Former Governor Sarah Palin gives thanks to everyone else who made an ass of themselves this year and gave her a momentary respite from the media so she could deal with her everyday craziness - beating up on Levi, resigning from her job, developing her own language, etc. etc.

6. Miss Wendy graciously thanks all of the above for supplying her with fodder for her column. What would I do without you?

Happy New Year!

Carriages in Central Park
Photo Credit Angelo Rivera

Merry XMAS from Miss Wendy to her loyal readers. Wherever you are for the Holidays, remember to Ho, Ho, Ho and Beat Your Drums!

Ruminations On Our National Fixation with the Saga of Tiger Woods: The world has come together at the global village square to gossip about Mr. Woods and his bevy of undulating mistresses. And a good time has been had by all except Woods and his wife, Elin. Even the mistresses are having a good time because they are to stupid to realize that they have exposed themselves to the entire world with the scarlet letter S (for slut) hung round their necks.

Why do we do this?

Years ago when we lives in villages, we were acquainted with the other villagers and could stand in the village square and gossip about the local sluts and a good time would be had by all. But city dwellers are rarely in a group when everyone else knows someone who is not present. Our work friends do not know our friend friends and no one knows our family. But we all can participate in celebrity roasts: Britney and her squad of paparazzi; Sarah and Levi; Tiger and the dancing harlots; etc. etc.

And when our friends tell us what they think about these tabloid stories, we learn very little about the disgraced celebrity (most of the stories are fiction) but we lean a lot about our friends. Do they think the situation is funny or are they sanctimonious and pontificate on and on about what a bad influence all these carryings on are "on the children?" Do they expose themselves to be snobs when they state that they "refuse to lower their standards to read the tabloids." That is the real benefit of gossip - it is a way for all of us to become better acquainted.

And it does not matter if what we are reading in the tabloids is true. We could just as easily be talking about what we thought about the new DVD release - The Hangover.

And how much of what we read in the tabloids is really true anyway. Does anyone really believe that Elin Nordegren is going to get on a plane to Sweden with a two year old and a baby just so she can fly home for Christmas? And don't chime in about how with all her money she could afford a private jet. I have flown on private jets and unless the private jet is named Air Force One, they are just a little less grueling than flying first class - the kids still scream.

Miss Wendy's Guide to Non-Passive-Aggressive Holiday Shopping
( Reprint from December 2007)

1. Do not give work-out clothing, exercise bikes, gym memberships or Zone Diet subscriptions to chubby people unless they specifically ask for these items.

2. Do not give "Days of Beauty" gift certificates to frumpy people. Do not give one to me; I will "get" your subtext and bitch-slap you. However, massage gift certificates are always acceptable.

3. Do not buy clothing for anyone unless you ask them about it first. Stick to gift certificates. Do not ever buy anyone anything that is a size to small so you can inspire them to lose weight. They will get even by not attending your funeral, an event which may occur sooner than you expect.

4. Do not give any home decor items to anyone anytime unless you KNOW they want them. The holidays are not the time to sneak a few tasteful items into your daughter-in-law's home.

5. Do not give leather-bound sets of classic books to children who don't like to read (stick to Harry Potter).

6. Do not give power tools to your slobby-good-for-nothing-husband-who-never- fixes-anything-anyway. He will just leave it in the middle of the garage floor to be run over when you try to park his SUV.

7. Ditto on the fancy Williams Sonoma pans for a woman who has not cooked in six months. She may just rearrange your brains with that Le Creuset frying pan.

Hey, the holidays are fraught, so graciously buy gifts certificates for everyone who does not specifically ask for something and then enroll yourself in a kick boxing class so you can work off your frustration about not getting to remake your friends and family. (And see how passive aggressive I am being by sending you off to kick boxing instead of suggesting that you drown your frustrations in a box of Godiva chocolates.)

The Beat Goes On: The OJ Simpson trial and the internet created our 24 hour news cycle. Before the white Bronco ride, the "assumption" was that the news "occurred" and the media reported. But with 24 hours to fill, the world does not create enough scandalous news to feed the cable monsters or the TMZ's and Radaronlines. So here come the news "producers."

This is how producers "produced" the Tiger Woods scandal. Part I is the solicitous interview of one of the myriad mistresses. Miss Mistress gets the velvet glove treatment on interview day - hair and make up and a solicitous kind interviewer. But as soon as she is out of the studio, here comes Chapter II - the mud slinging. Newscasters from the same outlet review the interview stating that the mistress is a harlot. Other media outlets criticize the channel that conducted the original interview for being too solicitous and then they cover the mistress in tabloid mud. Every little thing the "mistress" has done hits the news: receiving a 1099 from an Escort service; cavorting with another woman in a nightclub; sending naughty text messages.

It is hard to feel sorry for these idiot mistresses, but their lives have been ruined. They will never have a Chapter III. They won't be able to work as a hostess for an upscale club again; all the big sports figures would boycott the club fearing that they will be the next celebrity to be exposed. They cannot translate their skills for "looking good and fawning over celebrities" to another field other than prostitution and even in that field, there will be a "she kisses and tells" stigma. If they should go back to college and try to get a corporate job, their internet history will follow them and no one will hire them. And this may be the most sexist part of my diatribe - no decent man will marry them. No one wants their friends to snicker when they introduce their wife.

None of what I am saying is rocket science and I bet for every idiot "hostess with the mostest" who has allowed herself to be interviewed and labeled as one of Tiger's women, there is another woman who had the brains to see the "and then what's" and is hiding far from the cameras. These hidden women read Hansel and Gretel as children and know that the media witch only wants to fatten them up so she can eat them afterwards.

Oh My Oh My: Houston, Texas has elected a gay mayor - openly gay controller Annise Parker (New York Times). As Tip O'Neill famously said, "All politics are local" - the city is broke and she is a good accountant. Congratulations to the citizens of Houston for proving that there is more to Texas than conservative Bush Republicans.

Ruminations: Sarah Palin must be incredibly annoyed by the carryings-on of Tiger Woods and the Thousand Dancing Harlots and the "I'll take the Fifth" Salahis. Their shenanigans have bumped Palin from the first page of the tabloids since before Thanksgiving! Nothing Palin does gets traction - not telling the world that it is "fair game" to ask Barack Obama if he was born in the United States or posing in shorts and panty hose for a magazine (not Newsweek, however, which gleefully appropriated that photo). What's a girl to do to get a little action? Oh the fleetingness of tabloid fame!

The Beat Goes On: Women are climbing out of the shrubs (accompanied by lawyers) to yell "Me Too, Me Too" hoping to cash in on the Tiger Wood's philandering scandal. It is hard to imagine what they think they will gain. This story has a news cycle that will last about two more weeks and then it will be gone. These ladies may be able to sell an article to a tabloid, but this is a case of "first out of the gates wins." The other ladies will have labeled themselves as harlots and seriously impaired their ability to ever work at another VIP club and for what?

Tiger has dealt some serious blows to his brand. He had a terrific image - the beautiful wife, the adorable daughter and his loyal mother always by his side. It worked and now it won't. It is the oldest story in the world, throwing away the Garden of Eden for a taste of the forbidden fruit.

The next question is will Elin decide that she an indispensable part of a marketing machine or will she act like the devastated wife she is and kick out her philandering cad.

The Beat Goes On: It seems that Michaele Salahi was not only not invited to the State Dinner, she was also not invited to the reunion of the Washington Redskins cheerleaders, because (and you'll love this).... she was never a cheerleader (New York Post). But, never mind that small detail, our darling Michaele simply attended the reunion anyway and performed with the squad. Now this is one lady with balls.

If I were a member of the Washington press corp, I would do a quick check for birth certificates and a wedding license. We know they had a wedding ceremony (we saw the video)...but..

Ruminations on Miss Rachel Uchitel aka Tiger Woods (maybe) paramour:
All the tabloids (and the dignified news outlets) have been all atwitter about Miss Uchitel and Miss Uchitel has played right along, leaking and denying the story, hiring Gloria Allred. Miss Uchitel, by all reports, is a part of that class of society known as "the party girls," the girls whose sole function in life is to hang out in nightclubs, getting paid to both bring in celebrities and to "party" with celebrities.

But all these party girls age every day just like the rest of the world's population, making me wonder - where do the see themselves in twenty years? What is their career path? Wealthy classy men rarely marry party girls; they are actually looking for someone who looks both gorgeous and classy, like Tiger's wife, Elin. So as party girls and their crowd age, do they begin promoting events at piano bars? Do they host events in Palm Springs? Just where do old party girls go to die?

Rihanna
2009 American Music Awards -
Nokia Theater / Los Angeles, CA, USA
November 22, 2009
David Gabber / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy: Here is one of my "You Got It Going Girl" Awards for Rihanna. Rihanna totally gets the concept of "If you want to be in the show, put on a show." The lady is a walking/talking billboard for her career.

The Beat Goes On: Thanksgiving weekend has been filled with exciting stories that have the nation's media outlets all agaga. First, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, Virginia publicity hounds, managed to gate crash the White House state dinner for the prime minister of India, having their photos taken with the likes of Rahm Emanuel and Vice President Joe Biden. That was the "pride" part of, "Pride cometh before a fall." And here (also through the media outlets) comes news of the fall: Mr. Salahi's family firm is bankrupt; the neighbors are telling anyone who will listen that trailers keep pulling up to the Salahi home, supposedly with the purpose of repossessing a variety of unpaid items; and the Secret Service will not rule out the possibility that there may be criminal charges - trespassing anyone?. It seems that the Salahi free publicity stunt will continue to play out in the courts of our nation's capital. The Salahi's have obviously never heard that, "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

Then, Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and his neighbor's tree as he drove away from his home at 2AM in the morning. And all the media outlets want him to explain why he was leaving his home at that hour, just as though TMZ and Eonline were his parents. Did he have a fight with this wife about the article in the National Enquirer that said Woods was having an affair? Enquiring minds simply have to know. And there is all this breathless talk about how the police want to talk to Woods even though "alcohol was not a factor." Of course, the police want to talk to him; they have to fill out an accident report. But since no one was injured except Tiger and Tiger is perfectly capable of reimbursing the fire department for the fire hydrant and his neighbors for the tree, this is one story that should go away all by itself if Woods and his wife Elin simply refuse to speak to the media. There will be no Chapter II unless they write it.

From Miss Wendy to Her Readers: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and here are two helpful recipes you can use if any one is foolish enough to ask you to contribute a dish for the festivities:

Miss Wendy's White Trash Fruit Salad

1 large can of fruit cocktail (drained)
1 large bag of colored miniature marshmellows
1 large container of Cool Whip

Mix ingredients in a bowl and enjoy

Miss Wendy's Queso

One package of Velvetta cheese, sliced
One jar of salsa
16 ounces of half and half

Put all ingredients into the crock pot, heat and serve with chips.

Happy Thanksgiving!

From Miss Wendy to Her Readers: The flying season is upon us again. And just in time to remind us of the perils of flying, there is an article on MSNBC.com about the Phoenix couple who was just charged with stealing over 1,000 pieces of luggage from the Phoenix airport. There should be severe punishment for these thieves who have forced over 1,000 members of the traveling public to spend their business trip/vacation in their coffee stained travel clothes.

Hint: It is still best to pack all your dirty underwear in your carryon so airport security can continue to enjoy it.

Just in time for the traveling season, here is a reprint of a letter from my November 2007, which is unfortunately still relevant today.

Dear Miss Wendy,

It's Thanksgiving week. Does Miss Wendy have any advice to the air traveling public?

Sincerely,

Down Home Turkey

Dear Turkey,

The airport police will be on high alert. Not for terrorists, silly, but for any hint of bad behavior from the flying public who are being thoroughly mistreated by our overbooked airlines and the under trained, underpaid airport security guards. Airports have grown to resemble subway tunnels with filthy restrooms and travelers forced to sleep on the floor; the situation is become so bad that many Jet Blue travelers plan ahead and pack mats so they don't have to lie on the dirty floor! So no matter how upset you become, please stay calm so you don't become the next Larry Craig (arrested for twitching in the men's room), Jonathan Rhys Meyers (arrested for public drunkenness after years of sobriety) or worse yet as agitated and depressed as Carol Gotbaum, the lady who died while in police custody. Save your whining for someplace safe - the visit with your family.

God Bless Sarah Palin: Former governor Palin's shenanigans will gas up this column and keep it rolling from now until Christmas. Palin's latest doozy is declaring to Oprah that before Bristol told her she was pregnant, she had no idea Bristol was sexually active. This one really does not pass the smell test. I grew up in a small town, but I moved away the day after graduation. When I received my invitation to my high school's twentieth reunion, half the girls I graduated with were now were grandmothers. So you figure out what happens on Prom night. There is a reason that small towns are home to shot-gun-toting daddies who are constantly on the prowl for just a whiff of a fox in their daughter's hen house.

The Beat Goes On: The news lines are spilling the leaked story that Levi Johnson (Sarah Palin's NOT son-in-law) has posed for Playgirl with nothing but a hockey stick. Inquiring minds simply must know: Just how did they place the hockey stock? We are all atwitter.

P. S. Many kudos to ex-Governor Palin for telling Oprah that Levi would be welcome for Thanksgiving dinner. That was both a publicity coup (Palin appears magnanimous) and a marvelously evil dig.

Rumination on Pretty Girls Looking Bad: I have been walking the streets of New York City, viewing the fashion-disaster-behind screated by the new/old legging craze. Leggings were "the thing" in the 80's, but by the 90's they had disappeared because too many thunderous thighs were being stuffed into leggings and sausage casings have never been fashionable. But now I am talking about tall pretty women who should look good in almost anything, who have created a "background" problem for themselves by wearing their leggings with skimpy knit dresses that stop at the top of their thighs and cling to their bottoms, thus creating a "rounded" image that I am sure these women would be appalled to see in a three- way mirror. Some are even exacerbating the problem by wearing jackets that stop at the waist, emphasizing their basketball-in-a-baby-blanket look. It does not matter how thin the girl is; thin girls end up with "unfilled" rolls of legging material bunched at the top of their thighs. Two more inches of skirt fabric (denim, not knit) in a skirt that flared out, not in, and these women would look fabulous. Hey, if looking good were easy, we would all do it.

Jon Hamm of Mad Men
Albert L. Ortega / PR Photos

Ruminations: Last night was the season's final for Mad Men, one of television's finest shows. It was brilliant, starting in the the morass of the failing Draper marriage and ending with the birth of a new Sterling Cooper, the return of Joan (how does anyone manage without a Joan in their life?) and Don beginning his new life in Manhattan (how long before the school teacher appears?). Mad Men is available on demand, so don't wait. Everyone needs a little Madness.

P. S. Does anyone besides me think Betty is terminally stupid to run off with the next alpha-male-with-good-hair who becomes smitten with her cool Grace Kelly looks. No investigation, only "you'll do" and out the door she goes. Here's my spoiler: The Henry Francis gig won't last; fairy tales don't exist.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: It is starting to get cold in New York so check out this article on Budget Travel.com titled World's Best Affordable Hotels - We scoured the globe until we found the 31 best new hotels for under $150. If you can't afford to physically travel, let your mind take a trip.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Is it possible to purchase a sexy winter hat?

Sincerely,

Shivering Fashionista

Dear Shivers,

No.

Hot Tip: We are just about to go into the holiday flying season so here is a "word to the wise." There is a horrifying article on MSNBC.com about a couple in Phoenix who were arrested for stealing over 1,000 pieces of luggage from the airport carousel. Now, this problem could be easily avoided if the airports would resume checking luggage tags before allowing passengers to leave with "their" luggage. Instead they advise people to go quickly to the carousel after getting off the plane. But this advise is meaningless to people who are traveling with young children and have to wait to have their gate-checked strollers brought up from the hold or for the elderly infirm who need to wait for a wheel chair or even for Miss Wendy who needs to visit the ladies. Unfortunately, I have no advice except to suggest that you give everyone gift cards and pack your black, no-muss, rollable knit outfits in a carry-on. But please, please, don't wear that awful "travel dress." I might be on the plane with you and I simply can't stand it.

P. S. If you have a black bag and simply must check it, tie a yarn bow on the handle. You may look a little silly while carrying the bag, but nowhere near as silly as you will look spending your vacation in your traveling outfit because your bag made one more trip around the carousel and was snatched. No one should be forced to vacation without their fabulosity kit.

Lady Bunny
"Can It!" Charity Event to Mark the 70th Anniversary
of VIPP Waste Cans
Design Within Reach in New York City
October 28, 2009
Janet Mayer / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: New York really deserves an award for Best Drag Queens. Manhattan boasts downtown denizens like Lady Bunny and the drag queen muses - The Upper East Side Ladies Who Lunch. And since I am from Texas, the home of blonde hair and pasty pearls, I can rightfully appreciate both.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Is it possible to purchase a a sexy-looking down coat?

Sincerely,

New York Shivers

Dear Shivers,

No.

Betsey Johnson
Betsey Johnson Store at Planet Hollywood Hotel and Casino
Las Vegas, Nevada
October 24, 2009
PRN / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Here is one of Miss Wendy's You Got It Going Girl Awards for Miss Betsey Johnson. Johnson is a sixty-plus grandmother who rocks the runway, cart wheeling down the aisle and then dancing back up while carrying her adorable granddaughter. Johnson is a Rock Princess who keeps on sparkling.

The Beat Goes On: Oh my, oh my, oh my. The camera addicted Jon Gosselin has now decided that he is Jewish. And all over the world, Jews are asking (in the words of The Godfather's Don Corleone, "Why come to me? What have I done to deserve such generosity?"

Ruminations: What do Jon Gosselin, his bff Michael Lohan (Lindsey's father) and the helium balloon family have in common? They were all bitten by the celebrity bug and have become addicted. They are modern day Norma Desmonds (Billy Wilders' Sunset Boulevard) constantly crying "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up." These camera chasing buffoons have never learned one vital fact: When the media Gods shine their cameras on you, you should always look for the jar of mustard they are carrying in their other hand.

Bai Ling
PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Kudos once again to starlet Miss Bai Ling for making herself into a rolling piece of pop art. Whether you like her look or not, you have to admit, "That girl's got style."

Hey, what did you wear to work today?

Where the Wild Things Are: Congratulations to Miss Madonna for maintaining her rocker chic mystique. The fifty-year-old Material Girl's neighbors are attempting to evict her from her Central Park West apartment for playing loud music and jumping up and down on the floor (the bed?). And these whiny neighbors did not once consider that it could have been the Pop Queen's children, either the little ones or the twenty-something one she is dating. Oh no, these complaining Manhatannites immediately knew which kid was yelling, "Let the wild rumpus start," and it was our darling Madonna.

Dear Miss Wendy:

Which neighborhood is the coolest neighborhood in New York?

Sincerely,

Manhattan Bound

Dear Manhattan,

It is the one where where you are you when you are there.

Great Advise I Recently Overheard: Take time to construct your happy times because the bad times will create themselves.


Prince Pixplanete / PR Photos	Rihanna Pixplanete / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Here is a bit to make your smile - Prince and Rihanna gilding their lillies to attend the Paris Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2010 Chanel Show on October 6, 2009. In the (non-abusive) words of Kanye West, they "believe in their flyness."

Ruminations on wearing black: I walk the streets of our city surrounded by a sea of black. Black and black, black and gray - New York City is the only city where wearing a khaki rain coat counts as a "splash of color." A fashion loving friend of mine recently moved to New York from the south. When I told her that she needed to buy only black clothes, she pooh-poohed me. But now, one year later, she is suitably attired to be a stage burglar (scene changer) for a Broadway show. New York does that to you. I have three sets of clothes, one I use in NYC and the clothes I wear in LA and Austin. They really don't mix - the Austin wardrobe is grounded by a palette of khaki green; the LA clothes colored like an psychedelic Easter basket. New Yorkers are like the women flying into Saudi Arabia who they don their burkas the minute they enter Saudi air space.

Hey, we have a uniform and we wear it cruz it won't show what you just sat in on the subway.

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at wendy@newyorkcool.com

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