| Miss Wendy's
Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy
R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher
March 12, 2010
Simon Cowell is engaged.
Let's all yawn in unison.
March 11, 2010
Ruminations: We've
fallen for it again. Lindsey Lohan has filed suit
against Etrade claiming that their Super Bowl ad
libeled her. The ad featured a "milkaholic"
baby named Lindsey. And all magazines and talk shows
are howling that this lawsuit is utterly ridiculous,
and of course, it is.
But the true genius
of this whole mishegas is that everyone is talking
about Lindsey Lohan, which is something absolutely
no one would be doing if she were not making a fool
of herself in public with this silly law suit. Lindsey
is a lady whose fifteen minutes were up with I
Know Who Killed Me.
So a good time has
been had by all and the party is over. Now Miss
Lohan, it is time for you to fish your panties out
of the punch bowl and go home.
P. S. E Trade is also getting an unexpected benefit
- their commercial is running for free on all the
daytime talk shows and the nightly news.
The Beat Goes On:
Corey Haim has died unexpectedly
and this is a loss for all who loved him.
But here again, the
ridiculous God has raised his head. All the magazine
are reporting the ominous fact that Haim had four
prescription drugs in his home that were unrelated
to his flu. Excuse me! Would all of the writers
who are reporting the number of bottles in Haim's
medicine cabinet, please go home and count how many
prescription drugs they have in their medicine own
cabinets. And unless they compulsively throw away
all prescriptions after they no longer need them,
they probably have about a dozen.
March 10, 2010
The
Beat Goes On: The internet is all abuzz with
stories about how Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's
three year old Shiloh is dressing like a boy. "Is
this good for the child? What about her gender identity?"
When I read these
things I am constantly amazed at how many people
have obviously never met a three year old. Three
year old girls and boys wear what they want to wear
or all hell breaks lose in the household. Shiloh
obviously adores her older brothers and wants to
wear their clothes; they are the cool kids in the
household and she wants to do what they do.
My son insisted on wearing a tiger costume and a
man's fedora for ONE YEAR. My friend's daughter
became hysterical if you tired to make her wear
a dress. My cousin insisted on wearing her dresses
backwards.
But none of this lasts. Kids get fixated with one
idea and then they are on to another. Shiloh may
want to dress as a boy for the rest of her life,
but that is extremely doubtful. She is undoubtedly
wildly creative like her parents, and who knows
what she will come up with next.
Many kudos to Angelina
and Brad for having the wisdom to simply say, "So?"
March 9, 2010
Dear Miss Wendy,
I am a married woman
in her thirties and my husband and I socialize with
a couple that is still dating. Our problem is not
that they are still single and have not joined the
drudgery of suburban married life, but they insist
on PDA (public displays of affection). It is embarrassing
to be with them when they can't keep their hands
off each other - making out in restaurants, even
once in front of MY MOTHER.
Do you have any suggestions
to put out their fire?
Sincerely,
Red-faced in New
Jersey
Dear Red,
I can only sympathize.
If your friends are also in their thirties and still
have no shame, no amount of hissing will be able
to stop them once they start groping.
Airline attendants
used to throw blankets over passengers who became
too amorous, but even that is no longer an option
(no blankets).
Here is a little
story that may cheer you up:
I grew up in rural
Texas and folks in rural Texas used to keep a bucket
of water on the front porch in case they saw the
preacher's car coming round the bend while the un-fixed
dogs were going at it in the front yard. You can't
realistically pour a bucket of water on your friends,
but you can enjoy thinking about it.
March 8, 2010

Demi Moore
Bob Charlotte / PR Photos
Here is a
You Got It Going Girl Award for Demi Moore.
Moore looked utterly stunning at last night's 82nd
Annual Academy Award Ceremony, wearing an Atelier
Versace tiered blush gown. The forty-seven year
old Mrs. Ashton Kutcher has definitely found the
Fountain of Youth and I can only wish she would
bottle and sell it.
March 7, 2010

Alan Cumming
Fashion For Relief™ -Haiti NYC
Photo Credit Cindy Ord
The Beat Goes On:
Here is a You Got It
Going Girl (Guy) Award for Mr. Alan Cumming
who charmingly modeled the latest in kilts at the
Mercedes Benz Fashion Week Fashion For Relief™
-Haiti NYC.
March 6, 2010
Monique
PR Photos
The
Beat Goes On: The Oscars are tomorrow night
and the buzz is a'buzzing. High on the twitter twee
is Monique's chance to bring home the Best Supporting
Actress statue for her spellbinding performance
in Precious. But also atwittering away
is comment about how MONIQUE DOES NOT SHAVE HER
LEGS (a subject that is a lot more important than
her silly belief in open marriage).
Compounding this hairy-legged assault on the popular
culture's sensibilities is the fact that Monique
only goes by Monique; the woman does not have a
last name. So when someone says tactful things like,
"Oh gross, Monique does not shave her legs,"
all the other Moniques feel like they have to pull
up their skirts or trouser legs and demonstrate
their acquaintance with razors, depilatories or
the waxing parlor. It must be exhausting for the
poor dears.
Miss Monique needs
to be MoNeat.
March 5, 2010
The Beat Goes
On: The internet is
abuzz with the story of Sarah Palin's trip to Los
Angeles (she was in town to be a guest on Jay Leno's
Tonight Show). It seems that Palin and
entourage have loaded up on goody bags at the Oscar
gifting suite and that Bristol took advantage of
a free make-over. So what? Everyone involved got
loads of free publicity from this grabbing-the-goody-bag
story, both the Oscars and the Palins.
But the real story
is how long will it be before Palin realizes that
in her heart and soul, she is an Angeleno - the
epitome of LaLa in LaLaLand. Hey, you can say Palin
is a free spirited conservative who cannot leave
the land of crack and moose, but LA has been a welcoming
home to myriad "characters" who would
not at first glance seem destined for the City of
the Angels such as cowboys Tom
Mix and Wyatt
Earp, radio evangelist
Amy Semple McPherson and the eccentric conservative
aviator Howard
Hughes. LA is a politically liberal town that
loves its conservative weirdoes the way clams love
grains of sand.
March 4, 2010

Kate Gosselin Before New
Hair-Do
Photo Credit PR Photos
The Beat Goes On:
Working-mother-of-eight Kate Gosselin made the cut:
She will be on Dancing With the Stars.
Now she really has an opportunity to get on her
publicity hound ex-husband Jon's nerves - rub, rub,
rub it in. As the Sicilians say: Revenge is
a dish best served cold.
P. S. to both Jon Gosselin and the Octomon: There
are two elements to being becoming a real celebrity
- notoriety and talent. It's never too late to sign
up for piano lessons.
March 3, 2010
Courtney Love
Shockwaves NME Awards 2010
Carling Brixton Academy / London, UK
February 24, 2010
Solarpix / PR Photos
Here is a Helena
Bonham Carter Unmade Bed Fashion Award for
Miss Courtney Love as she trots around London looking
like Clara Bow
dumped an Edwardian-era costume trunk on her head.
March 2, 2010
Dear Miss Wendy,
New York Governor
David Patterson is embroiled in a nasty scandal
- he allegedly asked two staffers to contact a woman
(who had reported a domestic violence incident involving
one of his aides) and ask her to recant (nydailynews.com).
First Spitzer and now this: are we living in Illinois?
Sincerely,
Political Junkie
Dear Junkie,
Yes.
March 1, 2010
The Beat Goes On:
It's Monday morning and the world is turning: Britney
Spears is back to being blonde; the Charlie Sheen/Brooke
Mueller and the Tiger Woods/Elin Nordegren marriages
are still on the skids; Angelina Jolie and Brad
Pitt took part of their kids to Angelina's Venice
film set (they can never take them all - four still
need to be carried); the Oscar
ceremony is March 7, 2010- and the world is atwitter
about whether Steve Margin and Alec Baldwin will
be funny - together; and if you are into this kind
of thing, the new cast of
Dancing With the Stars will be
announced tonight during The
Bachelor (scuttlebutt says it won't be
the world's most annoying dancer, Paula Abdul).
The Gods are chasing
each other around Heaven, all is right in the world
and I am overcome by the sheer banality of our tabloided
existence.
February 28, 2010
(I am going to be dating my posts from now on):
Please help alleviate
the suffering caused by the horrific earthquakes
in Haiti and Chile. Please log onto the
Red Cross and do what you can. Every little
bit can make a difference.

Agyness Deyn
ELLE Style Awards 2010
Grand Connought Rooms, Covent Garden / London, UK
February 22, 2010
ESolarpix / PR Photos
Here
is another blast from across the pond: London
events are style contests, unlike events in New
York City where the mantra "less is more"
still resonates. Now not everyone can wear this
look, you need to be tall and slim. But if you can,
you should.
Lady Gaga
The Brit Awards 2010 - Arrivals
Earls Court / London, UK
October 16, 2010
Solarpix / PR Photos
Here's another You
Got It Going Girl Awards for Lady Gaga- Miss
Modern Art on the Hoof!
The
Beat Goes On (Redux): Tiger Woods apologized
to the nation yesterday and he did a pretty good
job. Most notably he stated that he had felt entitled
to do the things he did because of his fame - a
pretty big admission. He also apologized to his
wife, Elin, and stated that at no time had she hit
him (the story about the golf club).
The only beef the
talking heads have with him is that he did not apologize
to the "mistresses" (which would have
given the tabloids some column and talk show fodder
for at least another week). Hello! Are any of these
women stating that they did not know Tiger was a
married man or that he did not pick them up in a
bar? Any woman who gets all dolled up and hits the
clubs to "hook up" with a celebrity knows
exactly what she is in for. There are no victims
in that posse and reading about how porn star Jocylyn
James thinks Tiger owes her an apology is laughable.
It goes the other
way HOS. If you want to participate in the apology
game, open your mouth and apologize.
The Beat
Goes On: Today Tiger Woods is going to apologize
to the nation. Why? Because he ran around on his
wife (a lot) and it appears that the man is a sleaze.
But the news media (including this column) could
not be happier. There are stories to write and talk
to talk before the deed: Will it do any good? Will
Elin be by his side?. Then there will be the apology
and afterwards nights of: "Was it enough?"
Should WE forgive him?
Wake up world! The only reason
he is apologizing to us is the man wants his career
back. But he never really lost it. Tiger is now
one of the most famous men in the world. Memories
are short and there are a million products he can
plug. So he may never again be the SUV guy, but
he'll be the Jaguar guy.
And as for the bevy of undulating harlots that came
rushing forward to grab their fifteen minutes of
fame. Someone needs to write a book about just where
they are two years from now. It will be an updated
version of the Scarlet Letter told through
the prism of our supposedly "anything goes"
society. But we are also a "googlelized"
society and these ladies resumes will follow them
for the rest of their lives. Sure there is always
porn and some forms of reality tv - The Flavor
of Love and Celebrity Rehab - but
those fringe opportunities are not be enough to
support a platoon of former nightclub hostesses
(they won't be able to get THAT job anymore because
they TALK!). Sure Rachel Uchitel got a job on Extra,
but she is the one who did not TALK.
Here are some fun
tips for a Valentine's Day with a twist of lime:
1. Those heart shaped
red Russell Stover candy boxes are so tacky they're
campy. So give away.

Times Square
Photo Credit Melinda Maclean
2. Red lingerie
is only fun when it is trashy, think Times Square
Street, not La Perla.

Photo Credit Evan Sung
3. For more
camp, make plans to attend a burlesque show. Burlesque
shows are not the strip shows you see in so-called
"Gentlemen's Clubs." They are in the spirit
of the musical Gypsy,
not the nightly strutting on the stage at Scores.
www.brooklyngirl.com/littlebrooklyn/links.html
www.newyorkcool.com/archives/December2004/abouttown_3.html
Sweet
and Nasty Burlesque
The Beat Goes
On: The
National Enquirer is reporting that John
Edwards has asked Rielle Hunter (the mother of his
two year old daughter) to marry him and is puchasing
a three million dollar home for his new family.
I really hope this story is not true. Edwards is
married to a woman who has terminal breast cancer
and he has three children from this marriage who
are bound to read about this.
Yuck.
As they say in the slaughter house, "Raise
your feet pardner, the shit is starting to flow."
"O would some
power the gift to give us to see ourselves as others
see us." Robert Burns.
Here is a reprint
from my February
2009 Column:
Dear Miss Wendy,
It is Fashion Week! Please tell
us: Is there sex during fashion week?
Sincerely,
Longing Fashionista
Dear Long,
Absolutely not. Everyone involved
in Fashion Week is entirely too hungry and bitchy
to be interested in sex.
See this quote from my February
2007 Column about sex during Fashion Week: "Well
there will be a lot of pretty little things walking
down the runway (see-through blouses with no bras,
thongs peeping through voile for both men and women)
but realistically, there will be no sex. The female
models have not eaten in about a month and if propositioned
would probably say something like, “Not now
sweetie, but why don’t you just talk dirty
to me while I do this line?” The male models
have had a little more to eat and might be a little
more interested, but are still likely to say something
like, “Oh that’s nice, but why don’t
you just get up and act as my spotter while I lift
these weights?” And the designers will brush
away any amorous efforts with a, “For heavens
sake, darlings! If you really want to be useful,
get off your knees and make a Starbucks run! Someone
is going to trip over you and break a heel!”
You see, everyone at Fashion Week is an ascetic,
asexual alien; things are different in their world."
Here is a reprint
from my February
2008 column:
Dear Miss Wendy,
I live in New York
and my fiancée and I want to get married
this spring. We both work but our families don't
have any money to contribute to our wedding so we
have been delaying our marriage for a couple of
years now. The average (low scale) New York wedding
costs $25,000 and I hate the idea of starting our
married life in debt when we need to save for a
house and put aside some money so we can have children.
Sincerely,
June Bride
Dear June,
Spending $25,000
on a wedding in New York is a complete waste of
money and a total no-win game. All the snobs who
are into that "kind of thing" will be
noticing all the things you did not do as in: "Only
four courses?" "The desert was the wedding
cake?"
Having a charming
wedding is more about taste than money. One of the
most delightful weddings I have seen lately was
in the film In
Her Shoes and the wedding was held in a
funky Jamaican restaurant with a garden in the back.
So feel free to use your imagination, not your money.
There are scads of charming little restaurants with
backyard gardens in the East Village and Brooklyn.
Find one and create your own fantasy with white
Christmas lights, votive candles and huge vases
of white flowers from the Farmers Market. Or funk
it up in purple (purple dress, purple flowers, Prince
singing "Purple Rain", Tinky Winky as
ring bearer/flower girl), I don't care. Just make
it your day, not the caterers and the florists.
After all, you live
in New York so the hardest part was finding someone
to marry. The wedding should be the easy part.
God
Bless Sarah Palin: Dear ex-Governor Palin
has jumped into the politically correct hay wagon
professing to be profoundly offended that Rahm Emanuel
said a group of liberal Democrats were fucking retarded.
Now Palin has a baby who has Downs Syndrome, but
I sincerely doubt he is liberal or a Democrat.
Periodically we gang up on certain words and decide
that they no longer deserve to be words. And as
soon as we hear that someone is offended by a word,
nice people decide to quit using it because, why
not? Someone is offended so quit. The Special Olympics
has declared retarded to be a bad word, so off with
its verbal head. But whenever we make this collective
decision, we do need a bit of time for a learning
curve. After all, it is not like the word retarded
started out as a description of the mentally disabled
and then moved to other connotations; it went the
other way. The word began with a meaning of "make
slow or hinder" and moved to be a description
of of the mentally disabled. All of this information
is in the dictionary or a thesaurus if Ms. Palin
had deigned to open one.
All of this supposed outrage (rumor has it that
Palin uses the R word herself when referring to
her son) is Palin's latest attempt to feed the media
sharks. Why pay a publicist when you can get loads
of free press simply by portraying yourself as a
victim - AGAIN!
But in the spirit of "She who lives in a glass
house, should not throw stones," Ms. Palin
should consider the practicality of setting herself
up as a spokesperson for politically correct dialogue
or for that matter, any kind of correct dialogue.
Every time darling Sarah opens her mouth, out comes
a word salad that would take a UN quality translator
to unravel (does anyone else speak Palinese?)
This over rush of
political correctness is exhausting. Should be now
also banish the words imbecilic and moronic from
the English language? Yeah, probably; they are much
more closely attached to mental disability than
the word retarded.
 |
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Rihanna
PR Photos |
Lady Gaga
PR Photos |
The
Beat Goes On: Rihanna and Lady Gaga have
done it again. These two twenty-something divas
channeled the spirit of Cher and Elton John to rock
last night's Grammy Awards. MoMA simply must open
a Costume Institute. Why should the Metropolitan
Museum of Art have all the fun?
The Beat Goes On:
There is bad news from the
teen pregnancy front - a 3% rise in pregnancies
over the last year (Washington
Post). And there are recriminations and knashing
of teeth about whether or not the Bush era mandated
"abstinence only" sex education is at
fault. Now all right thinking people would agree
that delaying sexual activity (especially activity
that results in pregnancy or STD's) is good for
teens and for society. Non-pregnant girls and non-child-support-paying
boys have more time to concentrate on their school
work and after school activities that will help
them progress with their lives. But as all writers
and comedians are taught - know your audience. If
you are teaching sex education to a group of poverty
stricken teens who have no upwardly bound role models
and little to look forward to in their lives other
than "that baby looks awfully cute," you
have to have Plan B. Yes, tell them it is better
to delay sexual activity, but if you are not going
to do that, here is the phone number of a nice lady
at Planned Parenthood and here is how to use the
kind or birth control you can purchase at the drug
store (or truck stop). So there.
Hell Hath no Fury:
In a sign that there is hope for the future of traditional
media, YaVaughnie Wilkins, the jilted mistress of
Oracle exec Charles Phillips, resorted to an old
fashioned Times Square billboard in an attempt to
embarrass her former married lover (it probably
worked). But, she did include a link to her website,
so there.
Ms. Wilkins website seems to be down (as are the
bill boards), but if you are curious, The
Daily Mail has kindly published most of the
contents.

Amy Winehouse attends a
July 2009 Court Appearance
PR Photos
The Beat Goes
On: Once again at
a court appearance January 20, 2009 in Milton Keynes
Magistrates' Court in Buckinghamshire, England,
darling Amy Winehouse has avoided jail time for
drunken and disorderly conduct (see People.com).
But the really bizarre element from this story is
that Miss Winehouse had consumed five vodka and
cokes when she became involved in an altercation
over whether or not she could have a sixth. Vodka
and coke? Miss Winehouse and her beloved beehive
are circling the drain.

Lady GaGa
2010 International Consumer Electronics Show
"Monster and Beats" by Dr. Dre Announce
"Heart Beats by Lady GaGa" Headphones
Las Vegas, NV, USA
January 7, 2010
PRN / PR Photos
The
Beat Goes On: Here is a You Got It Going
Girl Award to Lady Gaga. Now Gaga is one gal
who knows how to keep the excess in success and
the show in show business.

Photo Courtesy of the American
Red Cross
Appeal for Haiti: Please
text the word Haiti to 90999 to give $10 to the
American
Red Cross. You can also log onto the Red Cross
and give money online by credit card: american.redcross.org.
Both methods, giving by text or credit card, delivers
the money to the relief effort immediately. Please
do what you can. If everyone who reads this appeal
makes a donation, we can make a difference and help
relieve their suffering.
Call to Arms:
Please help the citizens
of Haiti whose lives have been devastated by a massive
earthquake. They are homeless, thirsty and hungry
and the injured are in make shift hospitals with
inadequate personnel and supplies. And they are
the lucky ones; others are still trapped under buildings,
including small children (kindergartens, nurseries
and orphanages collapsed). Please can log onto the
Red Cross and give money online: american.redcross.org
Please do what you can. If everyone who reads this
appeal makes a donation, we can make a difference
and help relieve their suffering.
The Beat Goes
On: Sarah Palin has
accepted a job as a political commentator for Fox
News. Check out her utterly hilarious quote about
her new gig: "“I am thrilled to be joining
the great talent and management team at Fox News,’’
Palin said in a statement posted yesterday on the
Fox News website. “It’s wonderful to
be part of a place that so values fair and balanced
news.’’
And in the spirit
of "I told you so," here is an entry from
my column back in July regarding her resignation:
"Today Sarah Palin announced to an utterly
speechless nation that she is resigning from her
job as Governor of Alaska. Immediately all the political
wags started to wag; what is she doing and why?
Well the simplest explanation is that she got a
better offer, perhaps a talk show on h'm......Fox
And Palin has three school age children who need
to be enrolled in schools this fall, so if she is
going to move, she needs to do it in the summer.
The likely impetus
for the resignation (and the possible Fox job) is
that Palin was exposed to the glamour of the Republican
world (the rich kid's playground) during the Presidential
campaign and now she wants to see more. Alaska most
have been a real let down after the rush of the
campaign with its stays in four star hotels, trips
to Neimans and Saks, make up artists, hair stylists
and hot-and-cold-running-millionaires.
Being governor of Alaska pays $125,000 and Palin
is a lady with five kids who now has a Saks habit.
You do the math."
Ruminations
on Senator Harry Reid: The talk shows are
all atwitter about Senator Reid's remarks about
the then Senator Obama's chances to be elected President.
According to the about to be published book, John
Heilemann and Mark Halperin's Game Change
(see New
York Times review), Reid said regarding Obama
that: “the country was ready to embrace a
black presidential candidate, especially one such
as Obama — a 'light-skinned’ African
American ‘with no Negro dialect, unless he
wanted to have one."
No one will ever
have truly equal rights in this country until talking
about who and what we are is not considered a dirty
word. There is so much condescension and paternalism
in all this criticism. There is an unspoken standard
in America that the only correct way to be, look
and talk is "white newscaster." And since
all other forms of being are assumed to be inferior,
any mention of such differences is considered to
be rude and degrading. In the words of the Mary
Mitchell in the Chicago
Sun Times, "Reid's conversation about Obama
was not racist. It was racial.Too often we confuse
the two. When we do, we make it even more difficult
for reasonable people to have a civil conversation
about race. A racial comment is about race. A racist
comment is a negative comment about race."
It is highly insulting to assume the the dialect
and appearance of any group is so inferior to the
dialect and appearance of white newscasters, that
even mentioning the difference is reason for someone
to resign from their job.
The
Beat Goes On: People
Magazine is reporting that Jon Goselin
has a new girlfriend. Now if you go to any mall
in America and take a look around, you can easily
conclude that anyone can get married. And if you
follow Jon Goselin's love life, you can also conclude
that almost anyone can get a date.In the words of
P. T. Barnum, "There's a sucker born every
minute."

Bette Midler
The Saga of Baby Divine Book Signing
Caesars Palace in Las Vegas
January 6, 2010
PRN / PR Photos
The
Beat Goes On: Here is one of Miss Wendy's
"You Got It Going Girl Awards" for Miss
Bette Midler who was recently in Las Vegas's Caesars
Palace, plugging a children's book she wrote back
in 1983, The Saga of Baby Divine.
The campiness of
this bit is overwhelming - The Divine Miss M, a
children's book, Caesar's Palace. So here's one
for all you retro hip parents - click
and buy.
The
Beat Goes On: Elton John just announced that
he has been helping Eminen fight his drug addiction.
They say addiction makes for strange bedfellow and
the same must go for recovery. But many kudos to
Eminen for thinking "outside the box"
and getting the job done.
The tabloids are
also in a twitter over whether that was Elin Woods
they saw skiing in Switzerland or her twin sister
Josefina (you could only see a nose and mouth with
all the ski gear). And was that a wedding ring on
her hand (where were the ski gloves?) or not? The
Tiger Woods scandal is fun for the entire family
and the world is breathlessly waiting for the latest
development.
And that fun-loving
couple Charlie Sheen and his embattled wife, Brooke
Mueller, have petitioned the court to remove the
restraining order so they can move back in together.
The courts said no. Hmm! Well, even if they are
not living together, this story should have a shelf
life of few more weeks.
Happy New Year!
Here is wish for
a happy and prosperous (it's about time) 2010!
Miss Wendy's gratitude
list for 2009!
1. Britney Spears,
Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan give thanks to the
many politicians and other celebrities who graciously
dropped trou in 2009 and kicked Young Hollywood
off the front page of the Enquirer (or maybe not).
2. Former Presidential
candidate John Edwards gives thanks to Nevada Senator
John Ensign for supplying the media with a sordid
affair/scandal that supplanted the story of Edward's
affair and "possible" love child.
2. Senator Ensign
graciously thanks South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford
for making an ass of himself with his silly emoting
about his passion for his "soul mate"
and "trying to fall back in love" with
the mother of his four children.
3. Governor Mark
Sanford gives thanks to Tiger Woods for burning
his billion dollar endorsement business on a pyre
of bimbos, putting Sanford's "hound dogging"
in perspective.
4. Tiger Woods gives thanks to Charlie Sheen and
Brooke Mueller for getting drunk and calling the
cops on Christmas Day (while their nine month old
twins slept in the next room), kicking Tiger's scandal
off the front pages.
5. Former Governor
Sarah Palin gives thanks to everyone else who made
an ass of themselves this year and gave her a momentary
respite from the media so she could deal with her
everyday craziness - beating up on Levi, resigning
from her job, developing her own language, etc.
etc.
6. Miss Wendy graciously
thanks all of the above for supplying her with fodder
for her column. What would I do without you?
Happy New Year!

Carriages in Central Park
Photo Credit Angelo Rivera
Merry XMAS from Miss Wendy
to her loyal readers. Wherever you are for the Holidays,
remember to Ho, Ho, Ho and Beat Your Drums!
Ruminations On Our
National Fixation with the Saga of Tiger Woods:
The world has come together
at the global village square to gossip about Mr.
Woods and his bevy of undulating mistresses. And
a good time has been had by all except Woods and
his wife, Elin. Even the mistresses are having a
good time because they are to stupid to realize
that they have exposed themselves to the entire
world with the scarlet letter S (for slut) hung
round their necks.
Why do we do this?
Years ago when we
lives in villages, we were acquainted with the other
villagers and could stand in the village square
and gossip about the local sluts and a good time
would be had by all. But city dwellers are rarely
in a group when everyone else knows someone who
is not present. Our work friends do not know our
friend friends and no one knows our family. But
we all can participate in celebrity roasts: Britney
and her squad of paparazzi; Sarah and Levi; Tiger
and the dancing harlots; etc. etc.
And when our friends
tell us what they think about these tabloid stories,
we learn very little about the disgraced celebrity
(most of the stories are fiction) but we lean a
lot about our friends. Do they think the situation
is funny or are they sanctimonious and pontificate
on and on about what a bad influence all these carryings
on are "on the children?" Do they expose
themselves to be snobs when they state that they
"refuse to lower their standards to read the
tabloids." That is the real benefit of gossip
- it is a way for all of us to become better acquainted.
And it does not matter
if what we are reading in the tabloids is true.
We could just as easily be talking about what we
thought about the new DVD release - The Hangover.
And how much of what
we read in the tabloids is really true anyway. Does
anyone really believe that Elin Nordegren is going
to get on a plane to Sweden with a two year old
and a baby just so she can fly home for Christmas?
And don't chime in about how with all her money
she could afford a private jet. I have flown on
private jets and unless the private jet is named
Air Force One, they are just a little less grueling
than flying first class - the kids still scream.
Miss Wendy's Guide to Non-Passive-Aggressive
Holiday Shopping
( Reprint from December 2007)
1. Do not give work-out clothing,
exercise bikes, gym memberships or Zone Diet subscriptions
to chubby people unless they specifically ask for
these items.
2. Do not give "Days of Beauty"
gift certificates to frumpy people. Do not give
one to me; I will "get" your subtext and
bitch-slap you. However, massage gift certificates
are always acceptable.
3. Do not buy clothing for anyone
unless you ask them about it first. Stick to gift
certificates. Do not ever buy anyone anything that
is a size to small so you can inspire them to lose
weight. They will get even by not attending your
funeral, an event which may occur sooner than you
expect.
4. Do not give any home decor
items to anyone anytime unless you KNOW they want
them. The holidays are not the time to sneak a few
tasteful items into your daughter-in-law's home.
5. Do not give leather-bound sets
of classic books to children who don't like to read
(stick to Harry Potter).
6. Do not give power tools to
your slobby-good-for-nothing-husband-who-never-
fixes-anything-anyway. He will just leave it in
the middle of the garage floor to be run over when
you try to park his SUV.
7. Ditto on the fancy Williams
Sonoma pans for a woman who has not cooked in six
months. She may just rearrange your brains with
that Le Creuset frying pan.
Hey, the
holidays are fraught, so graciously buy gifts certificates
for everyone who does not specifically ask for something
and then enroll yourself in a kick boxing class
so you can work off your frustration about not getting
to remake your friends and family. (And see how
passive aggressive I am being by sending you off
to kick boxing instead of suggesting that you drown
your frustrations in a box of Godiva chocolates.)
The
Beat Goes On: The OJ Simpson trial and the
internet created our 24 hour news cycle. Before
the white Bronco ride, the "assumption"
was that the news "occurred" and the media
reported. But with 24 hours to fill, the world does
not create enough scandalous news to feed the cable
monsters or the TMZ's and Radaronlines. So here
come the news "producers."
This is how producers "produced" the Tiger
Woods scandal. Part I is the solicitous interview
of one of the myriad mistresses. Miss Mistress gets
the velvet glove treatment on interview day - hair
and make up and a solicitous kind interviewer. But
as soon as she is out of the studio, here comes
Chapter II - the mud slinging. Newscasters from
the same outlet review the interview stating that
the mistress is a harlot. Other media outlets criticize
the channel that conducted the original interview
for being too solicitous and then they cover the
mistress in tabloid mud. Every little thing the
"mistress" has done hits the news: receiving
a 1099 from an Escort service; cavorting with another
woman in a nightclub; sending naughty text messages.
It is hard to feel sorry for these idiot mistresses,
but their lives have been ruined. They will never
have a Chapter III. They won't be able to work as
a hostess for an upscale club again; all the big
sports figures would boycott the club fearing that
they will be the next celebrity to be exposed. They
cannot translate their skills for "looking
good and fawning over celebrities" to another
field other than prostitution and even in that field,
there will be a "she kisses and tells"
stigma. If they should go back to college and try
to get a corporate job, their internet history will
follow them and no one will hire them. And this
may be the most sexist part of my diatribe - no
decent man will marry them. No one wants their friends
to snicker when they introduce their wife.
None of what I am saying is rocket science and I
bet for every idiot "hostess with the mostest"
who has allowed herself to be interviewed and labeled
as one of Tiger's women, there is another woman
who had the brains to see the "and then what's"
and is hiding far from the cameras. These hidden
women read Hansel and Gretel as children
and know that the media witch only wants to fatten
them up so she can eat them afterwards.
Oh My Oh My: Houston, Texas has elected a
gay mayor - openly gay controller Annise Parker
(New
York Times). As Tip O'Neill famously said, "All
politics are local" - the city is broke and
she is a good accountant. Congratulations to the
citizens of Houston for proving that there is more
to Texas than conservative Bush Republicans.
Ruminations:
Sarah Palin must be incredibly annoyed by the carryings-on
of Tiger Woods and the Thousand Dancing Harlots
and the "I'll take the Fifth" Salahis.
Their shenanigans have bumped Palin from the first
page of the tabloids since before Thanksgiving!
Nothing Palin does gets traction - not telling the
world that it is "fair game" to ask Barack
Obama if he was born in the United States or posing
in shorts and panty hose for a magazine (not Newsweek,
however, which gleefully appropriated that photo).
What's a girl to do to get a little action? Oh the
fleetingness of tabloid fame!
The
Beat Goes On: Women are climbing out of the
shrubs (accompanied by lawyers) to yell "Me
Too, Me Too" hoping to cash in on the Tiger
Wood's philandering scandal. It is hard to imagine
what they think they will gain. This story has a
news cycle that will last about two more weeks and
then it will be gone. These ladies may be able to
sell an article to a tabloid, but this is a case
of "first out of the gates wins." The
other ladies will have labeled themselves as harlots
and seriously impaired their ability to ever work
at another VIP club and for what?
Tiger has dealt
some serious blows to his brand. He had a terrific
image - the beautiful wife, the adorable daughter
and his loyal mother always by his side. It worked
and now it won't. It is the oldest story in the
world, throwing away the Garden of Eden for a taste
of the forbidden fruit.
The next question is will Elin decide that she an
indispensable part of a marketing machine or will
she act like the devastated wife she is and kick
out her philandering cad.
The
Beat Goes On: It seems that Michaele Salahi
was not only not invited to the State Dinner, she
was also not invited to the reunion of the Washington
Redskins cheerleaders, because (and you'll love
this).... she was never a cheerleader (New
York Post). But, never mind that small detail,
our darling Michaele simply attended the reunion
anyway and performed with the squad. Now this is
one lady with balls.
If I were a member of the Washington press corp,
I would do a quick check for birth certificates
and a wedding license. We know they had a wedding
ceremony (we saw the video)...but..
Ruminations
on Miss Rachel Uchitel aka Tiger Woods (maybe) paramour:
All the tabloids (and the
dignified news outlets) have been all atwitter about
Miss Uchitel and Miss Uchitel has played right along,
leaking and denying the story, hiring Gloria Allred.
Miss Uchitel, by all reports, is a part of that
class of society known as "the party girls,"
the girls whose sole function in life is to hang
out in nightclubs, getting paid to both bring in
celebrities and to "party" with celebrities.
But all these party girls age every day just like
the rest of the world's population, making me wonder
- where do the see themselves in twenty years? What
is their career path? Wealthy classy men rarely
marry party girls; they are actually looking for
someone who looks both gorgeous and classy, like
Tiger's wife, Elin. So as party girls and their
crowd age, do they begin promoting events at piano
bars? Do they host events in Palm Springs? Just
where do old party girls go to die?

Rihanna
2009 American Music Awards -
Nokia Theater / Los Angeles, CA, USA
November 22, 2009
David Gabber / PR Photos
From
Miss Wendy: Here is
one of my "You Got It Going Girl" Awards
for Rihanna. Rihanna totally gets the concept of
"If you want to be in the show, put on a show."
The lady is a walking/talking billboard for her
career.
The
Beat Goes On: Thanksgiving weekend has been
filled with exciting stories that have the nation's
media outlets all agaga. First, Michaele and Tareq
Salahi, Virginia publicity hounds, managed to gate
crash the White House state dinner for the prime
minister of India, having their photos taken with
the likes of Rahm Emanuel and Vice President Joe
Biden. That was the "pride" part of, "Pride
cometh before a fall." And here (also through
the media outlets) comes news of the fall: Mr. Salahi's
family firm is bankrupt; the neighbors are telling
anyone who will listen that trailers keep pulling
up to the Salahi home, supposedly with the purpose
of repossessing a variety of unpaid items; and the
Secret Service will not rule out the possibility
that there may be criminal charges - trespassing
anyone?. It seems that the Salahi free publicity
stunt will continue to play out in the courts of
our nation's capital. The Salahi's have obviously
never heard that, "People who live in glass
houses shouldn't throw stones."
Then, Tiger Woods
hit a fire hydrant and his neighbor's tree as he
drove away from his home at 2AM in the morning.
And all the media outlets want him to explain why
he was leaving his home at that hour, just as though
TMZ and Eonline were his parents. Did he have a
fight with this wife about the article in the National
Enquirer that said Woods was having an affair?
Enquiring minds simply have to know. And there is
all this breathless talk about how the police want
to talk to Woods even though "alcohol was not
a factor." Of course, the police want to talk
to him; they have to fill out an accident report.
But since no one was injured except Tiger and Tiger
is perfectly capable of reimbursing the fire department
for the fire hydrant and his neighbors for the tree,
this is one story that should go away all by itself
if Woods and his wife Elin simply refuse to speak
to the media. There will be no Chapter II unless
they write it.
From
Miss Wendy to Her Readers: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving
and here are two helpful recipes you can use if
any one is foolish enough to ask you to contribute
a dish for the festivities:
Miss Wendy's White
Trash Fruit Salad
1 large can of fruit
cocktail (drained)
1 large bag of colored miniature marshmellows
1 large container of Cool Whip
Mix ingredients in
a bowl and enjoy
Miss Wendy's Queso
One package of Velvetta
cheese, sliced
One jar of salsa
16 ounces of half and half
Put all ingredients
into the crock pot, heat and serve with chips.
Happy Thanksgiving!
From Miss
Wendy to Her Readers: The
flying season is upon us again. And just in time
to remind us of the perils of flying, there is an
article on MSNBC.com
about the Phoenix couple who was just charged with
stealing over 1,000 pieces of luggage from the Phoenix
airport. There should be severe punishment for these
thieves who have forced over 1,000 members of the
traveling public to spend their business trip/vacation
in their coffee stained travel clothes.
Hint:
It is still best to pack all your dirty underwear
in your carryon so airport security can continue
to enjoy it.
Just in time for
the traveling season, here is a reprint of a letter
from my November 2007, which is unfortunately still
relevant today.
Dear Miss Wendy,
It's Thanksgiving week. Does Miss
Wendy have any advice to the air traveling public?
Sincerely,
Down Home Turkey
Dear Turkey,
The airport police will
be on high alert. Not for terrorists, silly, but
for any hint of bad behavior from the flying public
who are being thoroughly mistreated by our overbooked
airlines and the under trained, underpaid airport
security guards. Airports have grown to resemble
subway tunnels with filthy restrooms and travelers
forced to sleep on the floor; the situation is become
so bad that many Jet Blue travelers plan ahead and
pack mats so they don't have to lie on the dirty
floor! So no matter how upset you become, please
stay calm so you don't become the next Larry
Craig (arrested for twitching in the men's room),
Jonathan
Rhys Meyers (arrested for public drunkenness
after years of sobriety) or worse yet as agitated
and depressed as Carol
Gotbaum, the lady who died while in police custody.
Save your whining for someplace safe - the visit
with your family.
God
Bless Sarah Palin: Former governor Palin's
shenanigans will gas up this column and keep it
rolling from now until Christmas. Palin's latest
doozy is declaring to Oprah that before Bristol
told her she was pregnant, she had no idea Bristol
was sexually active. This one really does not pass
the smell test. I grew up in a small town, but I
moved away the day after graduation. When I received
my invitation to my high school's twentieth reunion,
half the girls I graduated with were now were grandmothers.
So you figure out what happens on Prom night. There
is a reason that small towns are home to shot-gun-toting
daddies who are constantly on the prowl for just
a whiff of a fox in their daughter's hen house.
The Beat Goes
On: The news lines
are spilling the leaked story that Levi Johnson
(Sarah Palin's NOT son-in-law) has posed for Playgirl
with nothing but a hockey stick. Inquiring minds
simply must know: Just how did they place the hockey
stock? We are all atwitter.
P. S. Many kudos
to ex-Governor Palin for telling Oprah that Levi
would be welcome for Thanksgiving dinner. That was
both a publicity coup (Palin appears magnanimous)
and a marvelously evil dig.
Rumination on Pretty
Girls Looking Bad: I
have been walking the streets
of New York City, viewing the fashion-disaster-behind
screated by the new/old legging craze. Leggings
were "the thing" in the 80's, but by the
90's they had disappeared because too many thunderous
thighs were being stuffed into leggings and sausage
casings have never been fashionable. But now I am
talking about tall pretty women who should look
good in almost anything, who have created a "background"
problem for themselves by wearing their leggings
with skimpy knit dresses that stop at the top of
their thighs and cling to their bottoms, thus creating
a "rounded" image that I am sure these
women would be appalled to see in a three- way mirror.
Some are even exacerbating the problem by wearing
jackets that stop at the waist, emphasizing their
basketball-in-a-baby-blanket look. It does not matter
how thin the girl is; thin girls end up with "unfilled"
rolls of legging material bunched at the top of
their thighs. Two more inches of skirt fabric (denim,
not knit) in a skirt that flared out, not in, and
these women would look fabulous. Hey, if looking
good were easy, we would all do it.

Jon Hamm of Mad Men
Albert L. Ortega / PR Photos
Ruminations:
Last night was the season's
final for Mad Men, one of television's
finest shows. It was brilliant, starting in the
the morass of the failing Draper marriage and ending
with the birth of a new Sterling Cooper, the return
of Joan (how does anyone manage without a Joan in
their life?) and Don beginning his new life in Manhattan
(how long before the school teacher appears?). Mad
Men is available on demand, so don't wait.
Everyone needs a little Madness.
P.
S. Does anyone besides me think Betty is
terminally stupid to run off with the next alpha-male-with-good-hair
who becomes smitten with her cool Grace Kelly looks.
No investigation, only "you'll do" and
out the door she goes. Here's my spoiler: The Henry
Francis gig won't last; fairy tales don't exist.
From Miss
Wendy to her readers: It
is starting to get cold in New York so check out
this article on Budget Travel.com titled World's
Best Affordable Hotels - We scoured the globe until
we found the 31 best new hotels for under $150.
If you can't afford to physically travel, let your
mind take a trip.
Dear Miss Wendy,
Is it possible to
purchase a sexy winter hat?
Sincerely,
Shivering Fashionista
Dear Shivers,
No.
Hot
Tip: We are just about to go into the holiday
flying season so here is a "word to the wise."
There is a horrifying article on MSNBC.com
about a couple in Phoenix who were arrested for
stealing over 1,000 pieces of luggage from the airport
carousel. Now, this problem could be easily avoided
if the airports would resume checking luggage tags
before allowing passengers to leave with "their"
luggage. Instead they advise people to go quickly
to the carousel after getting off the plane. But
this advise is meaningless to people who are traveling
with young children and have to wait to have their
gate-checked strollers brought up from the hold
or for the elderly infirm who need to wait for a
wheel chair or even for Miss Wendy who needs to
visit the ladies. Unfortunately, I have no advice
except to suggest that you give everyone gift cards
and pack your black, no-muss, rollable knit outfits
in a carry-on. But please, please, don't wear that
awful "travel dress." I might be on the
plane with you and I simply can't stand it.
P. S. If you have
a black bag and simply must check it, tie a yarn
bow on the handle. You may look a little silly while
carrying the bag, but nowhere near as silly as you
will look spending your vacation in your traveling
outfit because your bag made one more trip around
the carousel and was snatched. No one should be
forced to vacation without their fabulosity kit.

Lady Bunny
"Can It!" Charity Event to Mark the 70th
Anniversary
of VIPP Waste Cans
Design Within Reach in New York City
October 28, 2009
Janet Mayer / PR Photos
The
Beat Goes On: New York really deserves an
award for Best Drag Queens. Manhattan boasts downtown
denizens like Lady Bunny and the drag queen muses
- The Upper East Side Ladies Who Lunch. And since
I am from Texas, the home of blonde hair and pasty
pearls, I can rightfully appreciate both.
Dear Miss Wendy,
Is it possible to
purchase a a sexy-looking down coat?
Sincerely,
New York Shivers
Dear Shivers,
No.

Betsey Johnson
Betsey Johnson Store at Planet Hollywood Hotel and
Casino
Las Vegas, Nevada
October 24, 2009
PRN / PR Photos
The Beat Goes
On: Here is one of
Miss Wendy's You Got It Going Girl Awards
for Miss Betsey Johnson. Johnson is a sixty-plus
grandmother who rocks the runway, cart wheeling
down the aisle and then dancing back up while carrying
her adorable granddaughter. Johnson is a Rock Princess
who keeps on sparkling.
The
Beat Goes On: Oh my, oh my, oh my. The camera
addicted Jon Gosselin has now decided that he is
Jewish. And all over the world, Jews are asking
(in the words of The Godfather's Don Corleone,
"Why come to me? What have I done to deserve
such generosity?"
Ruminations:
What do Jon Gosselin, his
bff Michael Lohan (Lindsey's father) and the helium
balloon family have in common? They were all bitten
by the celebrity bug and have become addicted. They
are modern day Norma Desmonds (Billy Wilders' Sunset
Boulevard) constantly crying "All right,
Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up." These
camera chasing buffoons have never learned one vital
fact: When the media Gods shine their cameras on
you, you should always look for the jar of mustard
they are carrying in their other hand.

Bai Ling
PR Photos
The
Beat Goes On: Kudos once again to starlet
Miss Bai Ling for making herself into a rolling
piece of pop art. Whether you like her look or not,
you have to admit, "That girl's got style."
Hey, what did you
wear to work today?
Where
the Wild Things Are: Congratulations
to Miss Madonna for maintaining her rocker chic
mystique. The fifty-year-old Material Girl's neighbors
are attempting to evict her from her Central Park
West apartment for playing loud music and jumping
up and down on the floor (the bed?). And these whiny
neighbors did not once consider that it could have
been the Pop Queen's children, either the little
ones or the twenty-something one she is dating.
Oh no, these complaining Manhatannites immediately
knew which kid was yelling, "Let the wild rumpus
start," and it was our darling Madonna.
Dear
Miss Wendy:
Which neighborhood is the coolest neighborhood in
New York?
Sincerely,
Manhattan Bound
Dear Manhattan,
It is the one where
where you are you when you are there.
Great Advise I Recently
Overheard: Take time to construct your happy
times because the bad times will create themselves.
 |
 |
Prince
Pixplanete / PR Photos |
Rihanna
Pixplanete / PR Photos |
The Beat Goes
On: Here is a bit
to make your smile - Prince and Rihanna gilding
their lillies to attend the Paris Fashion Week Spring/Summer
2010 Chanel Show on October 6, 2009. In the (non-abusive)
words of Kanye West, they "believe in their
flyness."
Ruminations
on wearing black: I
walk the streets of our city surrounded by a sea
of black. Black and black, black and gray - New
York City is the only city where wearing a khaki
rain coat counts as a "splash of color."
A fashion loving friend of mine recently moved to
New York from the south. When I told her that she
needed to buy only black clothes, she pooh-poohed
me. But now, one year later, she is suitably attired
to be a stage burglar (scene changer) for a Broadway
show. New York does that to you. I have three sets
of clothes, one I use in NYC and the clothes I wear
in LA and Austin. They really don't mix - the Austin
wardrobe is grounded by a palette of khaki green;
the LA clothes colored like an psychedelic Easter
basket. New Yorkers are like the women flying into
Saudi Arabia who they don their burkas the minute
they enter Saudi air space.
Hey, we have a uniform and we wear it cruz it won't
show what you just sat in on the subway.
Do you have a Question
for Miss Wendy?
Email her at wendy@newyorkcool.com
All of Miss Wendy's
old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section:
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